Last week was just a long series of issues that set me off.  Thursday was the worst.  We had a big victory at work. I sent Mark a text about it.  He was in FL with his team on the last day of an experiment and didn't have a chance to call.  

I am an introvert.  Most people would never know that about me as in the areas I have to be professional and outspoken I have learned to adapt but I am here to tell you when you are an introvert it is just a show.  I only recently learned that I was an introvert, until then I thought I was just a bit quirky.  Needless to say we introverts HATE certain types of attention.  What we can't stand more is when we actually want attention and are ignored.  It feels like you are don't matter.  We don't need attention very often but at those moments, it is critical.  My heart sank when I found out that Mark was simply too busy at dinner to call.  Especially since I have been at dinner with him so many times when he takes calls or has to make calls.  

Now to be fair, the other quirk about being an introvert is that you don't necessarily tell anyone when it is a "big" moment for you, thus leaving your friends and loved ones to guess.  So Thursday was a perfect combination of a big moment that went unrecognized for a series of reasons.  I was absolutely pissed off.  

But here is what I am struggling to learn, where does it end?  I mean I have spoken with Mark about it and he is genuinely sorry but why am I still angry about it?  How do you simply release it.  I acknowledged it, discussed it but why am I having trouble with it, and other things that happened last week?  When do you just say, ah, it is over?  What am I missing in this picture?  

I am undergoing a major bathroom renovation.    Here are some of the photos of the floor and the accent wall of tile in the shower.  Now I am supposed to be reducing stress and in two weeks, I will be able to take a long hot bath in my new soaker tub and shower in the morning with the relaxing and massaging body sprays.  All this is good and well except I have a series of slobs that seem to be working in my home.  I had to clean spackling off of a leather chair this weekend among many other outrageous items.  The tile guys are obviously gods based on the astonishing job they are doing but after being worn thin already this week, that just set me off again.  

I went to two different yoga classes this weekend to offset some of the anger.  I did Bikram Friday and Iyanger AND Bikram on Saturday.  Usually these work, I go to classes and release the anger (or sadness as anger is simply another form of sadness) and alas, IT DIDN'T WORK.

What am I missing here?  When I am captivated by this small sh** that I seem to be attached to, I miss out on moments like this:

OK, it isn't really a trashy novel but my gosh why is this blogworthy? Because I have spent the past decade fighting hypothyroidism and adrenal problems. I would walk around most of the time to the point of exhaustion and could hardly focus. I fake it really well. In fact I have probably had hashimotos disease my whole life but doctors always mistook my personality for the way I felt. Because I had zeal, it was assumed that I was fine. After years of fluctuating between having normal thyroid levels to being in that 1% rare off the charts dangerously low, I finally found a doctor that listened to me. I have been seeing this doctor for about 2.5 years. The first question he asked me was what were my goals for my health. Can you imagine a doctor that wants to understand you?? I told him that I wanted to enjoy the luxury of being able to enjoy pleasure reading. (yes of course we talked about many other things, but he wanted to know how I am living with Hashimotos and how to get me back to full health)

Gosh that seems so simple. I just wanted to enjoy reading a book again without falling asleep. It was such a struggle to get back to this place. Sometimes you get worse before you get better (as I have many times). I would put on up to 20 lbs, loose muscle tone, have extreme joint pain, my hair would fall out, my vision diminished, I was exhausted, my skin was dry, bruises wouldn't heal, my voice dropped a bit, I was unable to focus (brain fog), etc etc etc. I can proudly say that 95% of these issues are now gone. I just have residual joint pain in my right knee. That doesn't stop me from getting on my elliptical machine and diving into a good book. I even take my ipad to bed with me and continue to read!

Today, I am so grateful for my health. I will complete my night by getting into bed with a good book.

So I hope that everyone is enjoying this Labor Day weekend.  I got to spend time with family and friends and sure enough, worked my tail off in the yard.  I love working in the back yard and just imagining it with friends.  So I took a few photos to share.  I added a path and some lighting this weekend and moved some plants around the yard.  

I am tired, my back aches a bit but it was worth it! 

Also I little trick that I liked to use while I am busting tail in the back yard is to prep a whole chicken and slow cook it on the big green egg while you are working.  When I finished in the yard and before I showered, I put quinoa in the rice cooker. When I was finished showering, I added peas and dressing to the quinoa and sliced some of that wonderful chicken and wa la.  Now I am feeling quite content after good hard work and a delicious meal!

Next weekend, I need to put about 20 bags of mulch down in the yard.  I am thinking Saturday might be a repeat of today.  

I should have posted these on Friday.

Thursday night I came home and my contractor was working hard on the bathroom so I put the dogs outside.  Thursday evening I have agility so I was in the kitchen with a rotisserie chicken, shreding it into little pieces so we could rush off to agility.

The dogs knew what I was doing and were upset to be outside the kitchen.

At one point I looked up and saw Peanut, standing in a large pot peering, smiling even, into the window.

Then I noticed that Peanut was not the only interested party.  I went into another room to get this shot:

Notice Madison, balancing on the deck rail and then Peanut in the plant pot then Max.  Seems like chicken is a big winner in my house!!

 Installed about 1 year ago, Trex deck.  Nice mold!  

I know that I am stronger than most people.

I am also a person that has the honor of being invited to help solve the problems of others. I appreciate the vote of confidence. In fact, I think it is simply because I act confidently that people respect what I say.

HOWEVER, 2010 has been a theme year for me. The year of "How Many Problems Can I Solve"? I have been reflecting on them this week. They include:

1. Challenge with the bidding process of public school system X (over and I was correct and the projects are being rebid)

2. Very large problem with a very large roof system that we installed. Not our fault however, potential to be a law suit that would take everything. Fortunately, working on a solution although my legal expense alone in proving that I am not a fault is... overwhelming.

3. Years ago I was a part of a work comp self insured fund. The fund went broke. When I left it was flush. I got a $25K bill in the mail. I am going to fight it.

4. Another issue with a gov agency that I will comment on but understand, it takes time, energy and money to work on.

5. Less than 1 year ago I had a stunning deck build in my back yard. Within one month, I saw spots of mold on the deck. I cleaned the deck in early springtime and again this summer (with water only, no chemicals). The deck needs to be completely cleaned again. Sure enough I went google happy to discover this is a common problem and to be prepared to have Trex tell me to go jump. Great. I will call my contractor back but my goal here is to clean it and find a good sealant. But still, more time, more money to invest in things that I should not have fault in!?!

I can handle every single one of these. I know that I can handle them each well however, there are so many items I am worried about taxing my adrenals again. Time to remember how to meditate. More than just a moving meditation, such as I can get in yoga. Time to train my mind to let go. Interestingly enough, each of these items promotes stress but none of them cause emotional scarring. By this I mean, my divorce for example gave me a scar, the childhood bullying issues = scarring, each dog that passed away = scar. None of these business issues will scar me although a few might leave a bruise.

I am a muller.  I can mull for awhile about things.  When I make a decision, I am committed to my action and can be simply tenacious.  When I am an opponent, I am a driven, focus and precise. 

I have been watching a situation now that can cost us dearly.  This weekend, after a long time in mulling, I am ready to slowly implement my decision.  I will be laying in wait, gathering a bit more information and then I am going into full force action.  There will be no wavering, waffling or distraction to my plan. My opponents have an advantage of unlimited resources. I have the advantage of fact, knowledge, motivation and tenacity.  I will prevail but am fighting a system of perpetually funded belligerence.  One day I will unveil my plan.  Today is not that day.

What I plan to do most people would not contemplate. Certainly it is nothing illegal, immoral or even fattening!  However my course is not for the faint of heart. What I am defending is most important and at the heart of my small sliver of the universe.  There will be moments when I will be afraid, lose confidence, be angry and frustrated but again, I have have made up my mind and there will be no distraction from my course. This is a game where I am either the winner or the loser.  I will not be the loser although I will be taking some hits along the way.

This feels just like being eight years old again and being beaten up by bullies.  One day, I said no.  That day, during another vicious attack I defended myself and the bullying stopped.  This is a little more complicated but the essence is still the same.  I have done NOTHING wrong, and am being mercilessly attacked by an incompetent bully.  This time I will not be passive, silent or a victim.  

One thing I did learn in life and particularly thanks to Carnegie Mellon was to think outside the box.  My thinking is outside the box and because of those fine teachers that encouraged me to march to my own drum, I will be successful.  

Naturally my concern is two fold.  How many hits can I take and still be standing?  How much will this cost my health.  I am weak still.  My adrenals are in bad shape and I have sworn to work hard to reduce stress.  Can I even tell you how many times I stare at my ceiling at 2:30am?  How I wonder if everything that so many people built will be gone?  How will my employees survive in this economy if something should happen to the business?  How will the children of the families we employ go to college if the parents no longer have a job? How will they eat and have health insurance? Do you know how badly I want to yell at X person and say "If you reviewed ALL the information and UNDERSTOOD what you read, you would realize that you are wrong?".  How do I find a way to balance this? I am still on course of gathering the last items that I need but have to find a way to quiet these thoughts and be serene in the knowledge and success of my plan.

Good lord, I am so cranky today I can't even spell it properly.

I have a meeting in a few days and I am getting fired up about it. The meeting is about me. Well not me specifically but something great that I am a part of. Someone is trying to crush us. The sad part is that, we didn't do anything wrong. ZERO and can prove it. I however don't have unlimited resources and my opponent does. This is the point where I am starting to question if the facts actually matter in any potential legal case. All that I can do is to continue to gather data and hope that a lawyer spontaneously understandings several engineering concepts and reverses his position entirely?

Cranky.

I had plenty of things to do today so I didn't spend all day focusing on this but it was present in the back of my mind. Enough so that every little thing bothered me. I realized when I woke up that in ordered to make my meeting Saturday morning in Columbus, GA I would have to board my dogs this evening as the boarding facility won't be open when I leave my house at 5:30. I HATE going to bed in my house without my dogs. Mark is out of town so he can't come by to let my little ones out and I can't leave them crated from 5:30 am until 4 pm. That started me in this POS mood.

My contractor sent me photos of what the tile in my bathroom will look like. It is stunning. I didn't even get all thrilled about that. Definatley KRANKY.

My knee still hurts. My thyroid levels are back to normal and I am still healing with the adrenal issues but for some reason, I still have joint pain in my right knee. This measn at yoga I can't do all the postures. Instead of simply skipping them and resting during those moments, today I decided that I am going to get mad at my knee. Yea, that accomplishes a LOT. I was so tight and wound up during Bikram that I could hardly do 50% of my normal levels. Thus more frustration, no zen yoga moments and the CRANKY is still on, full steam.

I know that it is illogical to worry about what is completely uncertain but I am doing it any way. I think that I am making a strong argument for learning to let go. Chocolate didn't even make a dent today. Thank God we start over tomorrow. Time for me to rest and wake refreshed and in a better mood.

How much is that doggie in the window????  Well this is my little Peanut so clearly she is one of my favorite things!  She watches me wherever I go so when I take out the trash she still has to watch me.

This is a gurgle pot.  When you fill it with a liquid and then pour the liquid into a glass, it makes a silly "gurgle" noise.  I picked it up when I was in Cape Fear, NC.  It is certainly a favorite thing when it is filled with flowers that Mark surprised me with!

Yes, this is the weird one.  I LOVE construction.  One of the things I love is when the framers use the studs to do calculations!  LOL!  This means people are working VERY hard on my bathroom!  Someday soon, I will be able to enjoy a nice long, hot luxurious bath in that new bathroom!

I have now had three people say the same thing to me.  They have each said that what happened when I was a child was sad.  Now, I don't think of it like that at all.  I have a level of disassociation with everything that happened.  I guess that is my defense mechanism.  It doesn't seem real if you simply recall the facts.  

When someone tells you that a piece of your life was sad that changes things.  Then you have someone emoting about something that happened to you.  You invited them in, they were honest and you have to choose to accept or reject that thought.

Hmmm was what happened sad?  Yes, it was. I accept what they said. I just didn't think I would be so troubled by this.  I am sad because someone else was sad about something that happened to me?!?  I guess I still like that level of distance.  

My blog started with Elizabeth Gilbert so it is fitting to bring her back after the movie of her book Eat, Pray, Love opened across America. Over the weekend I saw Eat, Pray, Love twice.  (Girls day out x2).

Now, I really enjoyed it but I also enjoyed the book.  The book came to me just as I was asking for a divorce so the tale of a woman that struggled with a painful divorce and then travels to Italy, India and Indonesia to find and define herself again was perfect for me. 

This is not a blog about being a movie critic.  I enjoyed the movie and loved the scenery.  This is about two moments where the movie represented moments of sheer emptiness.  

The main character meets a girl at an ashram that has just had her marriage arranged.  She was certain that her dream of a life was over at 17.  During the scenes of her wedding, she was virtually despondant.  My heart hurt for her.  I wasn't forced into my marriage but I remember those same feelings the day of my wedding.  The absolute void of joy.  The moment that you know you have entered a space that will cost you dearly but you enter any way. 

The second moment was when at the main character's wedding, the husband swapped the first dance songs so that he danced around the dance floor while everyone watched.  He choose a moment for himself over a moment with his wife.  A telling moment.  I watched that happen at my wedding.  Not through a dance but I truly felt invisible.  No one even mentioned me except when I was being asked direct questions such as "do you take this man...".  

Why do I still find myself angry at myself?  It has been years.  How do you forgive yourself, forgive him and stop punishing yourself for your poor choices?  Where did I hide while I lost my ability to be present in my marriage.  I didn't count.  I was a figure and a checkbook.  When does this horrible feeling end?