We use Timberline Office software for all of our accounting needs.  We have been using Timberline for over 14 years.  It is a powerful accounting package and infinately more complex than most accounting packages on the market.  We need this level of complexity as we track job costs to the dollar every few days and do payroll in house (and NO I will NOT sub that out so try to ask me you won't get past our office manager).  

Timberline has outstanding technical support and posts info on the online knowledgebase.  

HOWEVER I found myself in the past week in a combination of clusterf**k errors.  

First, I have a new server.  Just getting into the correct area in the server is a NIGHTMARE.  Next we keep getting an error message from Timberline so it is time to upgrade and sometimes Timberline does ... well a crappy job in the upgrades.  So after fighting through the server issues, I get Timberline installed.  Then install to the workstations and the error message continues.  Then I install update #1 to the server and to all of the workstations.  Error message continues.  I go back to the knowledgebase and sure enough there is an update #2 so i install it to the server, then to the workstations.  Same problem. OK now there is a "hot fix #1" so I install it to the server then to the workstations.  Now I have two error messages. 

If this wasn't annoying enough working in our server room is noisy.  I don't mean a little, I mean the exhaust fan sounds like you are working at the airport.  Your ears hurt after five minutes.  It is miserable.

Needless to say, I am a little "testy" this week.  So now I have to call Timberline tech support because this BS can't go on another day.  It has already been FIVE days.  I'm just pissed.  Poor job this time Timberline!

YES!!

YES!!!

YES!!!!

My bathroom renovation started this week. Yes, my house is a bit of a disaster area and I got the shark out and spent ??? hours steam cleaning the house. Yes, dust is everywhere and the bathroom has been gutted and I am as happy as a pig in mud!

I love my home. I live in a small 1930's bungalow in a crazy expensive part of town. Basically I bought the cheapest house in a great location. It had great bones and was VERY pricey. So as I have had $$ I have upgraded, fixed, rebuilt it. I have been in the house for almost 2.5 years and I have done $15k in electrical work, all new tripple pane windows, insulation, paint, new kitchen, and a MAJOR backyard renovation including a new deck, patio and fire pit. Clearly, I love remodeling.

One place in my house that I have mulled and mulled and mulled is my bathroom. I have an upstairs that is truly the master and master bath but I don't use that area. My bedroom is on the ground floor and was the original bathroom for the family. It is TINY (I mean European tiny) with ZERO storage. I kept a chest of drawers outside the bathroom that held my toiletries!

So I knew I had VERY limited space in the house to take to add to the bathroom so I knew I had to find a heck of a great design firm to make my bathroom dreams come true.

I am FEMALE. That means I have a lot of STUFF that needs to be stored in a bathroom. As well as I LOVE TAKING BATHS and the crappy, disgusting, 1980's, shallow jetted tub that lived in the bathroom and doubled as a shower was pitiful. The toilet was... cranky and the tile was nasty. WORST OFF I had to walk around the corner to get to the bathroom, that is in front of a LARGE window that opens to the neighborhood. YUCK.

All that crap that was in the bathroom is gone. The framing has begun and I can see where the new shower, soaker tub, and cabinetry will go. As well as, the door that opens to my bedroom! It is really crazy exciting!

Now I need to take my hat off to one person/group for this reno, and that is to Sarah Richardson, leading lady of Design Inc.. She has a show called Sarah's house. In season 1, she did a master bathroom that I fell HARD in love with. I went so far as making my design expert call up to Canada and to find the "splurge" tile that she used. Then of course, I found a stunning yet more economical alternative. Still, her stunning eye gave me just the dream feel that I was going for and soon I will have something warm, inviting, beautiful and practical!

Now, let me be clear, it will go from a tiny bathroom to a smaller medium size but with all the amenities that would make any woman swoon (well no heated floors as I am in Atlanta for gosh sakes!).

I look forward to sharing the before and after photos soon! (5 - 7 more weeks soon)

Enjoy your weekend!

So I did it. I opened up to Mark and spoke with him about the things that happened in the past. At first it was a little rocky as I am so reserved to talk about things but he was patient with me and I let a lot out.

It was amazing how nauseated I felt. I literally feel sick to talk about things that deep and personal but I did it. I also was recommended to a book I love called the Introvert Advantage. I had no idea why certain things really set me off and I am loving the new level of understanding that I have.

I think he got more insight and has been very supportive of me.

Unfortunately, during the next phase of step down from the hydrocortisone yesterday i was completely gripped with horrible anxiety. It didn't fade until I did 1/2 hr on the elliptical and 1.5 hr yoga class. I know how to manage the anxiety but I don't always have two hours to work out in the middle of the day.

And construction started today. The walls in my house are bare and much furniture is moved about. I am finally turning my tiny, awful, no storage and sad excuse for a bathtub/shower into something spectacular. Mac daddy classy renovation. Of course that is six to eight weeks long. Dust everywhere, noise, people galore and nine YES NINE inspections from the city but by my birthday, I will finally be able to unwind in a spa masterpiece. AHHHHHhhhhhhh....

Between the inner work and the outer work, I look forward to the moment when I actually learn to exhale and truly let it go.

Remember the creepy movie Cape Fear (original or remake)? Well that is where I am right now. I am here to tell you, it isn't like the movie at all. It really is quite lovely here.

Mark and his son are out enjoying some dive time so I am able to meander about and catch up on work, etc.. I would be remiss to not continue to "work" on myself since my past seems to be shouting at me.

I thought more about everything that happened between ages 7 - 9. As I was talking about it, it was suggested to me to go find a photo of myself back then and I adamantly said "NO". I was surprised at my strong response. Unfortunately, when you make such a strong move, you then have to explain yourself. So here it was, I was a cute little girl at age 7. Again, shy and reserved but certainly cute. Until the hitting and the verbal abuse started from my peers. Now kids aren't that sophisticated so I heard a lot of "your ugly, you dress funny, you don't have any friends". All of these things became true. I don't even think I have any photos of myself at that age. I don't want to see them. I went from a cute shy little girl to exactly what they said I was.

I remember the transition between high school and college. I swore that I would keep up with the fashion of the time and was very well groomed. I would never give anyone any reason to tell me that I was ugly and dressed funny. To this day, I am still very careful. Basically I should say that I am too up tight about my appearance. I am not vain, I have few mirrors around but I am careful. Careful to be sure that I am not a target.

There was only one thing that I remember they said to me that I didn't believe and that was "you're stupid". I never bought into that. Of course I was always in advanced classes in school and since I had almost no friends, I spent all of my time with books. I loved reading and that served as my escape. I would spend my allowance at the 5 & dime (dating myself here) and I remember they had the cutest versions of the classics for something like $.50 so each week I begged my mom to take me there so that I could buy more books.

Why was it that was the only thing that I didn't believe? Why, to this day do I behave in a fashion to prevent negative attention or frankly, any attention at all? In less than two years I will be the president of my Rotary club. Now I am very honored to have the role and normally have no issue with public speaking. I am not worried at all about managing things although it will be a daunting task. I am however scared *&^tless about going before all these people that I adore and respect and not having approval/acceptance/etc.. I have thought about getting several more overpriced suits (like I need any more) just because of this. WHY do I let a 7 year olds logic dictate so many of my daily practices and thoughts.

When I feel anger because of a situation that I perceive to be unfair, I swallow it. It can be very small like going to see a movie that Mark wants to see instead of me and to this day I feel the anger and do nothing about it because I am still afraid of rejection. OVER A STUPID PETTY THING like that.

I think I am afraid to tell Mark about everything that happened and how I still feel about it. The past was horrible and I hate reliving it because you don't perceive it as a "successful grown up" you perceive it as the victim you were at the time. I hate it. I don't want to still be a victim to this irrational fear based mind set.

Ironic isn't it that I am writing this from Cape Fear?

Oh, it happened again.  Another anxiety attack.  Attack number 3. This time at 5am.  Fortunately I was able to calm down enough to get back to sleep.

So then I proceeded to oversleep, try eight times to get my left contact in and spilled water on my white pants. Oh well.  Sometimes you just have to say "I surrender". 

The funny thing is that last night was all about me and relieving stress.  I worked out on the elliptical for 45 min while watching a funny movie.  Then I went to a vinyasa flow yoga class for 1.5 hrs.  It was fun!  I got some good food, took a benadryl for my cold then went to bed.  

I know these attacks are a side effect of the meds but I am still surprised how they seem to come out of the blue.  Now clearly they aren't coming out of blue since they are my core fears magnified.  However it is like an emotional mugging.  You didn't expect it and are afraid that it will happen again.  

Aside from the fact that I have a slight cold, I am feeling less anxious with the slight step down in medicine.  Next week I will step down a bit more.  My energy levels are good and the only other issues I have is pain in my right knee.  I hope to maintain the good health while getting off the hydrocortisone.  Until then, I guess I will just have to be open to another emotional mugging and to understand it is the irrational, emotional baggage that I have ignored.  It isn't logical, and it enjoys a good temper tantrum in the form of an anxiety attack. 

I worked on it a lot this weekend. The base fear that I have during the anxiety attacks. And I have to trace it back to when I bought the lie. So here it is, at seven I was bullied.

Yea, lame.

Sure bulling became big in the news in the past few years because of some absolutely horrible circumstances that lead a girl to take her own life. That doesn't mean that bullying hasn't been around forever. Kids aren't exactly kind or the masters of compassion. I was a quiet little girl. I was shy. One day, the popular boy in our neighborhood came up to me as school and I don't remember what he said but I didn't respond because, again I was a shy little girl. The next time, he hit me.  He liked me and that was how he expressed it. I imagine that he took my lack of response as rejection so the next time he saw me, he was going to reject m. 

Of course my parents talked to the teachers and authorities at the school and the parents of the bully and that just made the bullying get worse. A lot worse. Of course I was teased mercilessly and hit over and over again. This went on for a few years. After awhile, I became an introvert. No one wanted to be friends with me because I had a target on my forehead. One brave girl was my friend. I was ridiculed and got beat up regularly. No one could stop it.

I wasn't ugly or odd or anything different at all. Then after it went on for awhile I saw myself as they teased me. I became ugly, strange, unwanted. Finally my parents enrolled me in the martial arts. I didn't tell anyone that I was a martial artist. Who would I tell any way? After a few months, I was in a familiar scene. On the bus ride home, it started with teasing then it escalated. It was wintertime. When I got off the bus, I was pelted with snowballs. One bully (not the ringleader) grabbed me and I defended myself. I caused the boy a bloody nose. His nose bleed all over the fresh white snow. I felt terrible. I didn't provoke and I had been beat up for years. Yet I felt horrible. The boy's mother called my mother who basically told her to go jump.

I still was picked on but the physical abuse stopped. I respected the fact that I was becoming an unbelievably powerful martial artist and that is something to never use unless there is no other option so I never laid a hand on anyone with the exception of that moment when I could hardly see through all the snowballs and couldn't run home fast enough before I was grabbed. That was the only time I said stop and ever used any of my martial arts skills.

No one helped me. No one cared. No one showed any compassion. No one in authority gave a damn. Not one of the parents of the boys that beat me bothered to tell them to stop. No one was sorry. Kids that were my friends didn't speak to me because of something that was no fault of mine. There wasn't anyone to talk to or any way to ask for help.  None of it mattered to anyone but to me. 

I got my self confidence back, made friends outside of school and began to ignore the teasing. I wasn't an easy target any longer. Then we moved to another state. When we moved, I tried to leave a lot of that behind me. When it was time for college, I went to school in the same city where it all happened. My freshman year, the lead bully killed himself. I felt horrible. I buried it again. Until now.  I had spent so much time being sad when I was young that I don't want to do that any more. I just wanted to move on.  

Should I feel better? I don't feel like I have unlocked or let go of anything. Now I just feel humiliated again for something that happened. 

SO I am here at one of the annual conferences that I attend. It is in a beautiful facility. We meet each day until lunchtime and then have the rest of the day to enjoy. Most people played golf. As I don't play golf, I instead enjoyed the facilities. They have a fabulous spa with a great wet area. I sat in the hot tub reading the wall street journal. It was fantastic! I got a great dinner and now at a whopping 8pm, I am watching tv and relaxing.

Of course at times I am trying to work out some of these anxiety issues. I was told to go back to before the anxiety attack and really look at what might have been under the surface that was blown out of pro potion during the attack. Then when you find that issue, go back and find what caused you to have the belief you have on the issue. Great. Emptying out the emotional baggage.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to hold onto this baggage any longer. It is all just uncomfortable. I like to be done with things when they are done. I was a child, I was a teenage, I am an adult. I don't like going back to the child and teenager years. The anxiety comes from an irrational place and is as stubborn as a two year old during a temper tantrum. It all started when I was seven years old. Seven! I don't want to go back to that. It was a miserable time in my life. Apparently though, I made a few decisions about myself that are untrue. Apparently I hold onto those beliefs enough to come out, full blown in the form of an anxiety attack.

Certainly I was smaller then, didn't have the tecno toys that I do now but was not much different than I am now. Well, except that I was quiet. I didn't socialize much. Now, I do socialize. I probably laugh too loud too. I liked to read then, I like to read now. I was hungry for knowledge and love to explore anything. I loved my dogs. I was athletic and active. Not much different. I guess that is my starting place. While I am here, in a place where my cell phone does not work, a place that has a great workout and spa facility I can go back to the starting place. In the moment I can say "what anxiety" I am going to try to figure out what makes me most anxious.

While Mark and I were in Maine, our hosts told us that in May, 2011 they will be spending time in Italy.  It sounds like they have booked three weeks and will be able to relax, enjoy and drink in all the splendor of Italy.  Fantastic!  

After we began to speak of Italy, I looked at some of my photos from my trip last October.  Mark and I had a wonderful time.  I didn't exactly follow the "three coins in the fountain" guideline.  It was more along the lines of nine or ten coins.  Yes, I am an American and was drawn to "more" when it came to wishes.

Funny though, I can't remember what I wished for???

I have a few ideas.  

Certainly, one of the wishes would be to see this sunset again soon.  Of course one would be to go back to Italy and to enjoy it agin with Mark.  

Did I wish for serenity?

The more I learn about anxiety and an anxiety attack the more I realize that I have been walking around my whole life as a big ball of nerves.  Long before the adrenal meds I worried constantly.  I judge myself harshly.  I overcompensate others with attention, affection, etc because I worry too much about how they view me.  Don't get me wrong, I am not saying anything about considering others feelings and opinions, I am saying that I jump to the worst possible assumption that anyone could be making about me, regardless of any data or info to assume the worst.  I have plenty of self confidence and don't doubt my value and worth.  This isn't about that. It is simply a function of toning down the worry.

I think some of this is good as it serves as fuel to my ambition.  I want to do a good job at being whatever role I am at any time.  I want to be a great girlfriend, friend, family member, boss, roofer, rotarian, yogi, dog mom, etc..  But clearly I have too much of this and my perspective is skewed when you have an anxiety attack.  

For example, this weekend I have a conference near a lake here in GA.  Mark will be coming home on Friday, when my conference starts.  The conference ends on Sat afternoon.  I could easily drive home.  I am considering staying the night and returning Sunday around lunch time.  I feel guilty about this, as if I am a bad girlfriend.  Mark will be in Athens Saturday helping his son move so it isn't as if I am trumping any plans.  I thought I would spend Sat late afternoon using the conference facilities work out space and watching movies on my ipad and sleeping in the next day and taking yoga.  I am worried about taking time to relax?!  Mark wants me to do what I enjoy!  ?  Still I feel like this is another scratch in the "bad" category. It's only me doing the judging and I am a terrible judge.

(Funny, as I am writing this I am reminded of who inspired me to start this blog, Elizabeth Gilbert.  I started as I was reading her latest book but this blog is starting to sound a lot like her search for peace and balance when she left for her trip that she wrote about in Eat, Pray, Love. I love Italy as well and am a yogi.  I have never been to Bali although I have dreamed about it.  I think one of the things I have to do to work on anxiety is to spend a few hours this summer seeing the upcoming movie of her book!)

What did I wish for in that photo?  I think I need to retroactively wish for that serenity.  Clearly, I need it. 

Maine. That was nice. Spectacularly beautiful. Fantastic people. When I was not suffering from an anxiety attack induced by my hydrocortisone, I had a fantastic time. I went fishing for the first time. I learned to stick my finger in the mouth of the bass so they would stop squirming and I could take the hooks out. Unfortunately, I was not good at removing the hook and didn't want to hurt the fish so I very quickly handed them over to Mark. The fish all did fine. I had fun! I slept in, I finished the "Girl with the Dragon Tatoo" series, I ate well. I came back and met with my dr. My thyroid function is back on track so we can reduce the hydrocortisone. Unfortunately it has to be done very slowly and methodically. So for a time period, I might have another anxiety attack. I always thought that emotions beget other emotions, that is love brings more love, fear brings fear and sure enough you have fear of having another anxiety attack. I guess this means I should focus on the fish. It was a big fish.

So I arrived in Boston then Mark and I drove to Maine on Wednesday. We had trouble getting out of Boston but then had a perfect drive to our destination. We are staying with Mark's long time friends. This couple is magnificent, interesting, fun to be around and just wonderful people. They have a large plot of land and you can eat dinner while enjoying the sounds of nature. What could be more peaceful?

That was exactly what I was thinking when I had a full blown, 8.5 on a 10 pt scale, panic attack during dessert. I eventually excused myself from the table. I was able to calm down but that took a DAY to get back to a normal state.

I don't have an cell phone service but fortunately I had the email address for my dr.. He wrote back as well as I reached out to a few more people for assistance. The next day I was worried about being anxious??? I have to say, since I have been put on Cortef for my adrenal issues, I actually have energy and I look a lot better but the anxiety attack side effect is really hard to handle. I don't want to handle it with medication, I want to handle this the responsible way. I want to learn to do it differently. I had no way and no reason to have a panic attack. I was having a great time. I am still struggling to find a way to do it better.

The good news is that I haven't had any more on this trip AND I caught my first FISH! Cool.