I am in Kentucky with my boyfriend visiting his family for the Thanksgiving holiday. They are wonderful, hospitable people and it is always nice to see them.

I have had my first anxiety attack in a long time last night so I decided to go back through the course of the day to see the items that may have triggered it. Ultimately, I know that I have some unresolved feelings about the course of my life. I am grateful, in fact very Thankful this Thanksgiving that my life has been the productive and happy experience that it is so what brought on the attack?

Today we drove to the house of my boyfriend's brother. The family was celebrating Thanksgiving a day late so that everyone could be together. It was the first time I had a chance to meet there daughter that I have heard so much about. She was no less than all of the fantastic things everyone said about her. She is beautiful, magnanimous, smart and a delight to speak with. She brought with her her boyfriend, an equal delight to meet. I am guessing that they are both in the late 20's (27 maybe) and are enjoying a deep relationship.

As we drove to my honey's parent's house where we are staying, the discussion began. Let's not kid ourselves here, it was the undercurrent the entire day. The discussion of if and or when these two will get married and begin a long and happy life together. If this is what they choose, I applaud them.

I remember this. My family put a tremendous amount of pressure on my to get married to a nice guy and to settle down and start a family. Every time I saw my grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc it was the topic of discussion. My value was to work toward this goal and that was all. The expectation was that my goals were in line with this and anything less than finding a man and getting married was unacceptable. Now not only did I have to do this but divorce was an expression of failure so I also had to be profoundly lucky to pull all this off.

Well, I didn't pull it off so by the time I got into my 30's I was sort of the freak. I had one cousin that was a bit older than I was that also had not gotten married. The difference of course was that she is gay and tried to hide it from the family so as to not be ostracized. I can't blame her for wanting to hold that from the old school Italians, they would never be able to see her for the beautiful person that she is.

I was treated differently and then the conversation included things like, "well it still isn't too late for you". Now that was just sad. It was a fantastic way of making me feel like a flower that had completely lost its bloom.

Finally when at 36 I got married they saw it as sort of a miracle. Almost like the scene in the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" where the family says "we never thought it would happen for you". I expected however my "moment" to give me back some of the feelings of being special again. There are a few memories that no matter how hard I try I will never forget. Sadly most of these memories are surrounding my wedding. One was the day I bought my wedding dress (well the first one but that is for another blog) and the other was the day of my wedding. It was an absolutely horrible day. Three people were wonderful, my best friends Ellenina and Steve and my father.

Now I am an introvert so just the notion of walking down the aisle is awful but I mustered my way through the entire ceremony then for photos then to the reception. We had two toasts. Here was the hard part, I wasn't even mentioned. Two toasts, and no one thought enough about me to even recognize that I was sitting there. Didn't I finally earn any credit for doing what I was suppose to do?

I am not trying to fool anyone. I knew that I was making a mistake. Ellenina was with me while I had a woman doing my makeup the day of my wedding and could see how absolutely miserable I was. She attempted to look on the bright side (as she always does) and told me that "at least you will travel" (my ex is a pilot and I always want to see the world).

Fast forward YEARS later. I have a younger cousin. She is spectacularly beautiful. Additionally she is smart, funny and absolutely has her shit together. I love her. I admire her. And I tried although it is impossible, to protect her from the family bullshit. She constantly got the same tirade that I did about getting married. She was dating a good man for years and finally they moved in together. Every time my mother got into the discussion of "when are they finally going to get married" I would go ballistic. WHY WHY WHY put that pressure on her? WHY WHY WHY still cling to that horrific stereotype? LEAVE HER ALONE.

She DID marry him 11 months ago. She looked blissfully happy and the wedding was a fantastic celebration. She even sang a little karaoke (she isn't an introvert). Now for years she did talk to me about the pressure she was under from the family. I hated it for her as I understood it well.

Now my parents generation are all still with us thankfully but the grandparents, great aunts and uncles are mostly gone. We have reduced the pressure on some of the women in our family and some are not as affected by it (such as my sister). Still, I cringe at what I heard today. I don't believe they are reducing her value if she is single as I have experience. I genuinely believe that everyone just wants her to be happy but I am still somehow stuck carrying the baggage of what I was supposed to do.

I am not married. I get asked frequently from members of my Rotary club, when I am getting married. I don't know. I don't know that I will every marry again. That is ok, it doesn't make me less of a person. I don't have any children and I never will. This still doesn't make me less of a person. Sometimes life doesn't turn out the way you or your family expect. If it didn't I wouldn't be where I am today and that is in a pretty good place. I have some health issues that I am working through and I can guarantee you that if I had to do this with my ex husband he would do great harm rather than any good. My current situation allows me to be and learn and heal without serving the needs of a stereotype of someone else. I would like to be ready and to marry again someday. I have the highest regard for a good team that can support each other through the curve balls that life will throw at you. I would love to be a legal part of a team some day. But I wish that for now, I could leave the baggage of that stereotype at the door. My family just wanted what they understood to be the best for me. They didn't mean to harm me. But the feeling still continue today. I am older now and perhaps have lost a few petals, but certainly not my bloom. If the occasion in my life is right to marry, I will until then I want to try to shed this baggage. It is too heavy. The side effects of my medicine is anxiety attacks. They come suddenly and grip hard. They don't necessarily come out of the blue. This one was telling me something. Let go.

So here we are.  Playing the waiting game.

I was asked last week to rebid a very large job.  We discovered that we were too conservative in one area of our labor hours.  I was able to reduce the price of a job that was already tight.  This was after a very good interview.  This was all done on Friday.  I expected to hear something on Monday.  We really put together an amazing package for the potential client that would give them a high quality system and a high quality installation without any issues at a fantastic price!  

But we didn't hear from them yesterday.

If I don't hear anything from them by lunchtime, then that is a strong sign that it was awarded to someone else.  

So here I sit.  Waiting.  Sure, I have plenty of busy work in front of me that I will get to today however, I am having trouble concentrating on it.  I have the City of Atlanta water bill to protest for the fifth month in a row.  I have a lot to finish as I am taking the rest of the week off work.  

Each time the phone rings I am jumpy.  Each time I get an email I get mad if it isn't from the potential client.  I am just way too edgy today.  

I need to breathe and relax and regroup for a few minutes and get back to productivity and out of the cycle of anxiety.

In the course of the past six months I have had a radical change in my yoga practice.  First, as many of you know, I have experienced so much joint pain that holding some of the postures is excruciating.  I am fortunate that I have given in and am taking steroids for the adrenal problem and now mostly I have pain in my right knee and sometimes when holding some postures, some hip pain.  That gives me decent range of motion again and allows me to continue to practice.

After over five years, I have also almost had to abandon Bikram yoga.  My adrenals can not take the heat.  I will try to go back in about a week but I understand that in a long term commitment to yoga, your path may change.  It did for me in the martial arts.  After almost 16 years of that, I eventually found my way to yoga.  Now I am completely enjoying Ashtanga and Iyengar.  I love them both.  They are like enjoying the beauty of a peony and the beauty of a sunflower.  Both are magnificent and you can absorb so much from both of them.  I plan on continuing in both.  I am limited in Ashtanga as I can only attend on Tuesday evenings for the beginner class as the other class is Thursday evening and that is my agility night.  I also am limited in that the joint pain I have after an Iyengar or Ashtanga class I can't go every night.  Three times a week is a good amount for me right now.  Both each have an instructor that I find compelling.  Both women are tough and precise.  The both have great energy.

That just isn't enough.  I would like to find space in my life to do more but perhaps this is another lesson in patience.  I have an Ashtanga video and could work at home at off times a little "lighter" version (not trying the full binds, etc..)  and last night after Ashtanga I practiced headstands for as long as possible (that is until the little dogs kept coming up and licking my nose).  

 (guilty parties)

And my Sanskrit is shameful.  I don't know the chants and I don't know the names of the postures so I look like a big goofball getting into postures that I do know but DUH don't know the name. Is there a Rosetta Stone for that???  

I also need to learn inversions.  My gosh am I afraid to do handstands!  WHY?  All those years in the martial arts and I can't even kick up into a handstand!  My sister (who is a Dharma Mittra yoga instructor finds this a bit odd)  I don't think she finds that I find it challenging odd, just that I have trepidation.  See bad photo that I snapped of her with my phone below.  I think she rocks and has come a long way in a short while of practice.  I think she has been at it for about four years and also started with Bikram but quickly became bored.  She would do 60 day challenges and no longer be challenged and because they don't open the advanced series up to non certified instructors, she discovered Dharma Mittra and loves it.  She is in great health, is a vegan and happier than I have ever seen her.  

My practice is a part of me.  It calms me, it centers me, it puts life into perspective and allows me to open.  The point of the adrenal problem is to learn to more often be calm, be centered, etc. and practicing helps me to do that.  I need to find a way to feel balanced with this change.  

My goal for this evening was to post items on ebay, catch up on things, etc and I wanted to put a movie on in the background.  Netflix suggested that since I enjoyed "Bottle Shock" that I might enjoy "Big Night".  The line up of talent was amazing!  My particular favorite was the performance by Tony Shalhoub.  It is a bittersweet story of two Italian brothers that are running a failing restaurant in America.  It is full of hand gestures, food and stereotypes.  

I grew up around my mother's family.  My grandmother was first generation American with some of her sibilings born in Italy, some in America.  This means we ate a lot of extraordinary food, wore too much gold jewelry and make up, had strong opinions about everything and everyone told me in great detail how I was supposed to spend my life.  I threw them a curve ball.  I was not supposed to be a smart girl.  I was not supposed to get into Carnegie Mellon. I was not supposed to be more like my father than my mother.  While I was in college, I met a man that I loved.  My family loved him as well.  Every weekend I spent a day with my grandparents and every weekend my grandmother taught me to cook something or we did something with food and we certainly reiterated the fact that my poor dad was wasting all sorts of money for me to attend a private college when that was not the place of a woman.

I was told things like "You gotta job~ you meet a man, you cook for da man and you keep-a da house nice".   My grandmother was pissed at me until the day she died because I broke up with my college boyfriend.  He was a great man but I was 20 years old!!  I failed.  Although may years later, I got married to a man that was a ridiculous choice she liked him, he made her laugh.  He pretended to like her too although he didn't go to her funeral.  I am glad that I never had to explain to her my divorce, it was challenging enough to do that to her daughter.  

I must say, the food in the movie reminded me of the warmth and bitter hospitality of the food and family times of my youth.  I loved the details down to the gestures.   This photo was probably a contemplative moment about something as Earth shattering like salt. Our family could go five rounds about the price of milk at the Giant Eagle.  To this day I temper down my natural inclination to perpetually talk with my hands.  If I said "Ah Maron" to my boyfriend from Kentucky I don't think he would understand.  Frankly, "Maron" (pronounced Mah roon while raising your voice in a threatening tone that expresses great dissatisfaction and frustration) sometimes is THE only word that captures the feeling. 

I read the statistic, 20% of women my age have chosen to not have children.  I am divorced without children and sometimes I wonder if my grandmother would still be saying "do you job, make-a da house nice".  Change means a shorter version. I feel guilty, like I didn't fill the hopes they had for me and that I spend so much time fighting another stereotype (single female roofer) that I feel uncomfortable in my current shoes too.  Is it shoe evaluation time or time to work on tossing the land of stereotypes. 

Yes, this will be the part of the program where I find it totally acceptable to laugh AT me.

For my birthday, my honey gave me Apple TV and a year subscription to Netflix.  Now anyone that knows me that I am totally, hook line and sinker, an Apple fan and I have been since 1987.    Now the only thing that competes with my News and Apple TV time is the 10pm hour on Tuesday nights when it is time for Sons of Anarchy.  

Two weeks ago I notice that my old surround sound receiver started to cut out periodically on me.  So I would be watching something and suddenly no sound, a click, then the sound would return.  This was crazy annoying until finally it went off for longer periods of time.  That was it, time to order a new one.  The old one I enjoyed and it served me well for many years.  So I ordered a new version of the same brand. 

It came in today and after Ashtanga, it was time to set it up.  I did and finally it was time to check the sound so I needed to put on some sort of super testosterone film to really start the test drive.  I was scrolling through the Netflix list on Apple TV and blew right by Ironman and many others to put on what but MORTAL KOMBAT!  No, I only wish I was kidding.  Twisted or does that show my age?  Yes I LOVED the movie Mortal Kombat.  

To redeem myself, I am currently watching Sons of Anarchy.  Life is good tonight. 

Have no fear, I am back on my game this week.

Underdog is HERE! 

Yea, single female roofer is back on six tasks at one time, over the emotional toll of anger, and focused like a laser beam as we have multiple large bids due in within the next two weeks.  

I am using Underdog because being a small, women owned business in a male dominated field during a time when construction spending is down SO MUCH you ARE Underdog after digging out from all that.  This year alone not only have we tackled less work and more competition but also, a break in, a disagreement with a government agency, a public bid protest, lawyers, lawyers and more lawyers, being treated poorly on bid work, harassment from other trades, assessments from a trade organization, increase in cost of insurance, renegotiating bond agreements, etc...  WHEW that is a lot of issues in one year.  The year isn't over yet.  I still have a great chance of turning some of the tough items around as well as completing some of the challenges named.

So for now, I am refilling my coffee and am back on my game this week.  I have contracts to secure!  Watch out!

In the course of three days, I have gotten into three ...  shall we call them tousles??  Now I have a strong personality and many people confuse that to mean that I am an extrovert and assertive.  I am the exact opposite of both.  I also believe that if you have one run in, it is probably not you but THREE IN THREE DAYS?  Crap, how do you say that isn't you?

The way this takes a toll on me is different.  As an introvert, it doesn't matter that I am correct or justified in my actions, I still feel like I was punched in the gut.  On all three points I was correct and all three of them upset me.  

The first occurred on Thursday and during a public job walk through (when you actually walk the roof and measure and take photos) an asbestos abatement contractor showed up.  I was there early as was another roofer that I highly respect.  The abatement contractor tried to give his card to my competition however they also do asbestos abatement.  Then he tired to give his card to me and we are also an abatement company.  He asked who I was with and I gave my company name.  Then he went ballistic and began to wildly insult my father.  I'm not taking this shit laying down and I put him in his place.   Apparently, I did a very good job as I scared him off and he left the public walkthrough.  Of course this happened in front of other people so I had a great chance to secure my reputation as a bitch.  My competition came up to me later and expressed what a jerk he though the guy was (also because he knows my dad who is very quite and serious but also a nice guy) but by then the damage was done.  

Friday I got cc:ed on a letter from my lawyer to a group we are trying to negotiate with.  The last paragraph of the letter pitched an idea that not only did I NOT know about, but would never ever ever EVER support.  So I blew my stack.  That was in no way representing me and was a nightmare of a proposition.  This was not done by lead council on the case so I called up the lawyer that wrote it and was hardly friendly or calm.  I was completely correct and will probably be charged for that 15 minutes of ass chewing that I delivered.  And it was a mighty ass chewing heard but my entire office.  Ug... 

This morning I had to board my dogs.  The parking lot is a tight area and is shared with I think an acting studio.  There was only one spot open and apparently on Saturday mornings, there is a kids class that goes on in the acting studio.  I attempted to pull into the only spot and there was a young boy (8,9,10) standing with the passenger door open, mulling about talking with his father (who was in the drivers seat) while I was waiting to pull into the space.  He finally realized I was there and closed the door and stepped within the yellow line where his father's car was parked.  I waited for him to move then, I slowly pulled in and proceeded to bring my dogs into day camp and boarding.  When I got out it was time to deal with an asshole parent.  Now I am going to make a controversial statement.  I have notice that parents today don't seem to think that they operate in the same universe as everyone else.  That is to say if the child is doing anything wrong, because it is a child it doesn't matter and they are in the right, every time.  The parent, still sitting in the car said, "excuse me, would it have been too much trouble for you to wait for my son to have gotten out of the way before you parked?"  OK, if that were true, I would appreciate the discussion that was about to ensue but it was utter horseshit.  I DID wait and the child could have easily 1. gotten back into the car, 2. gone inside, 3. gone to the drivers side and continued a discussion with his dad.  Additionally I had to wait to PULL IN while both he and his dad KNEW I WAS THERE!  So I guess my time isn't worth shit and although I did wait until the child moved to a safe location I was still in the wrong.  I proceeded to have words with the parent.  I was calm and respectful and even went so far as to say that I am sorry if he was concerned however his son did safely step into the yellow line of the space his dad was parked in (which he may have seen if he had actually gotten out of the car and LOOKED since he was obviously LESS concerend about the actual safety in a parking lot of his child than I was).  He proceeded to tell me how inconsiderate I was, etc..  Somehow breeding makes people both superior and entitled I suppose.  

When I am wrong, I am wrong and I own up to it.  I am human and am going to screw up and know it is easier to just be sorry and own it.  BUT I wasn't wrong on any of these three items and have been pushed around enough lately that I absolutely won't take any more shit laying down.  But I am confused.  I am confused as to why I seem to be attracting so much ... garbage.  So many other things have been pressing down so hard on me, am I just more defensive?  more sensitive?  My honey has asked me several times who I think is after me.  No one but it does feel as if what he is saying is correct.  

I have to break out of this cycle somehow.  I'm not sure which direction is up any more.

It finally happended today, the bad guys won. I was absolutely side swiped in business. I didn't see this coming for a mile. I completely underestimated the desperation of my competition in this bad market. Even so, I would not have envisioned the dirty deal that occurred to me.

I am exceedingly well networked. I hardly ever call on my friends for references, etc because I never would abuse the privledge. Now it seems, I will have to lay the ground work for every single private bid I submit ALTHOUGH that is all supposed to be done LONG before I am invited to bid on work. That is what keeps the playing field even. That doesn't mean that on a complex job there isn't a post bid interview. That is fair enough. That didn't happen on this job. I was low bidder. And the job was awarded to someone else.

Now if the tables were turned, and they have been MANY times, I respect my competition and walk away. THAT IS THE DEAL. I don't know the exact details of what happened but I know this, several people that I respected, I no longer respect. I got f*&ked and now I have to adjust how I play the game.

I know this seems like a foreign concept but we are a contractor WITH integrity. We offer quality work, no bs, no funny stuff, no drama, period. That doesn't mean that we haven't made mistakes but we certainly take responsibility for those mistakes and correct them.

But this year has been different. I am tired of the quantity of mud that I am wearing. No, I am not going to compromise how we do business. I am however going to start to put up the defenses, allow people in my field to know who left good character at the door, and call in favors.

The bad guys won today. They won't win tomorrow.

My adrenal issues have kept me out of Bikram yoga for some time now.  I get so nauseated from the heat that I just spend more time being sick instead of being well.  I miss it but have now for a few months, been exploring Iyengar and Ashtanga.  

I have had a particularly wonderful time at an Iyengar studio in my neighborhood.  I have intentionally jumped around to different instructors and have found every single one of them absolutely brilliant.  I have enough strength and flexibility to jump into classes and catch on quickly however it is very different so I find myself wondering in every single posture about the fine details of the pose.  I also don't know the sanskrit names of the poses so I have to look around to figure out which pose we are doing.  I have taken a few workshops so that I can get some insight into these issues as well as am enjoying reading "Light on Yoga" by BKS Iyengar.  BUT we do so few inversions in Bikram that I am absolutely pitiful at headstands, handstands and everything in between and related to inversions and arm balances.  I sort of feel like the picture above of the clumsy cow but the cow has a much better bhujapidasana that I do right now.  

There is an instructor at the studio I enjoy with a beautiful name that I can not pronounce who has been patient and kind to me.  She has no idea that I am in a more... vulnerable state with the stress that I am under yet she has now on a several occasions extended compassion.  (in the Buddhist sense of the word).  Now my headstand is just sad and my handstand is non exsistant.  I got excited by the name Pincha Mayurasana aka Feathered Peacock pose.  I mean really, doesn't that sound regal?  Let me tell you, I couldn't even evenly distribute my weight on my forearms nonetheless get my legs up in the air.  See posture below of what it is supposed to look like:

My sister does a beautiful job at this and I will get there some day as well but for now, I will have to derive my inner joy from the humor I experienced trying to figure out being comfortable upside down.  Sort of a parallel to the way my life has been going lately.  Time to make peace with change and a different perspective.  

OK, so YES I did put all of my dogs into costumes for Halloween.  They were not happy and when they were out of costume, I took these photos of them.  It was an absolute shit week however after a few thousand times of tossing the tennis ball to Max and belly rubs for Peanut and Madison my weekend was OK.  I took max to the Canine Ranch in Canton, GA and will post a video soon of his first attempt at sheep herding.  Here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6F45iI1nAA

It took 4.5 hours of Iyengar, a few episodes of 30 Rock and a day of sheep herding to get me to try to put the week behind me.  After discussion with my dr, I have to increase my meds for my adrenal issues.  This means I will get some relief from the exhaustion and joint pain but with the small side effect of anxiety attacks.  Great.  Then of course there was that small incident where I was emailed a sample contract for review on a job where I was low bidder and pre qualified and by mid week find out that the contract may have been awarded to my competition?!?  WHAT?  Huh?  Mind you, no one had any questions or issues for me regarding time, mobilization, experience, etc..  Just suddenly ~ poof!  Mind you it takes DAYS and sometimes weeks of hard work to put together estimates on this type of work and NO ONE other than the consultant was more well studied in this building and the roof system.  All I could do was scramble and react instead of being proactive.  Funny, I thought great price, professionalism and astonishing reputation was proactive.  All I know is that if this did in fact happen, then something very dirty and unprofessional went on behind my back and although I am focused on other estimates, I will find out everything that happened and will use that information appropriately.  

So there it is.  I need to find some inner peace.  I need to find a way to make my health the priority no matter what is going on around me.  Since I can't keep Max in a Superman suit or Peanut in her hot dog outfit, perhaps I should take a day off and get a massage...