I was married to a gambling addict.  I often wonder if I saw the signs long before I ever got married.  After it is over, you play the tape in your head over and over again until you come to some peace.  I finally feel that peace.  I finally accept that I loved and respected myself enough to get out and this was a testament to my strength not an homage to my poor judgement.  I never knew he was an addict before we were married.

I don't know how far into the full blown, the house is crumbling down around you my ex husband was before we were married as he wasn't living with anyone that would call him out on his addiction however quickly into the marriage, there was a HUGE problem and one he did NOT want to face.

My ex is a pilot and conveniently found his way to flying the route to Las Vegas once a week.  During his overnight, he would either go to the Wynn or the Bellagio and play black jack, I would expect, all night.  He would be comped at either hotel.  Let me explain what that means, you are playing minimum average of $125 a bet per hand at a four hour minimum.  The average number of hands per hour in Las Vegas can be as high as 60!  You do the math...

Let's just skip over the obvious qualities, if he called me while he was taking a break from playing and I said something that he perceived as bad, I got an earful about how I was turning his luck for the worst and that anything he lost was my fault.  Of course he blamed me for playing and losing but when he won he was a big bragging peacock.  He lied about his whereabouts.  I couldn't reach him one day so I called the hotel where his crew was to be staying and he hadn't checked in.  That was how I found out that he had been staying each time, not with the crew but comped at one of the nicer hotels in Vegas.  

What bothered me the most was his lazy lecherous qualities.  I covered everything in the marriage.  All he had to do was pay his mortgage on the condo that we couldn't sell (his condo).  I paid the mortgage and every other bill.  I also worked on paying down his FIVE maxed out Visa cards and then quickly discovered he was using that money to cash advance and play at Vegas.  I covered car repair bills, grocery, power, cell phones, insurance and forced him to put money into his retirement account.  I was nothing more than a sugar daddy yet one day he had the audacity to tell me that his mother worked with his father and still took care of everything in the house and although he only worked 3 - 4 days a week, I was responsible for cleaning everything.  I got up at 5:30 and got home after 6:30 when it was my job to clean the mess he made every day in every room of the house.  I was exhausted and quickly running out of money.

I called him on his addiction and wanted to go with him to get help.  That was when my lazy lecherous husband turned on me.  

Listen very carefully to what I say if you are experiencing this ~ Gambling addicts are the most selfish of them all and if you call them on it, you will face every form of hate, piss and vinegar that you can imagine!

He used to have his paycheck auto deposited and every time he had a trip to Vegas he withdrew $2,000+!  I had bank statements, visa card statements and a friend of mine went to Vegas with him where he proceeded to take $3,000 from my friend with no intention of payback when he lost.  I called his family for help (oh yea, and later found out that not only was my ex NOT an addict but I am a vicious liar) Hmmm, behind most addicts you will find a few great enablers!  I was NOT an enabler. 

My ex never loved me.  I was an ATM and when I stopped being an ATM I was treated like dirt, in my home that I owned for ten years before we were ever married.  

The master bedroom in that home was on the ground floor and he finally moved upstairs and ignored me in my home.  He told me flat out, on our 1 year anniversary that he did not have time to get me a card or a gift because he was busy gambling that week.  THEN he got mad because I sat on the couch and cried.  

After I served him divorce papers, he wanted to go to counseling.  (after I changed the locks and had the whole white trash police showed up, etc)  We made it through one session.  I agreed that if the counselor said it was OK, that he could move back in.  The councilor asked him why I should ever trust him?  He point blank asked: "did you lie to your wife about gambling" "did you lie to your wife about money" "did you lie to your wife about your whereabouts"  all of which he answered yes.  When he asked if he had a gambling addiction, he answered no.  They always do, they always will.  My ex didn't see any problem with the lies, the mistreatment, the laziness, the entitled attitude.  My lawyer and I certainly did and I was aggressive about my divorce. 

I understand that addicts need love, support and help but none of this matters if they don't admit they have an addiction and want to get help and are willing to do the work.  My ex wasn't even willing to clean the kitchen nonetheless do the excruciating work to get better.  

Honestly, I am grateful that he preferred gambling over me.  It gave me an excuse to get the hell out so I never had to see him again.  Inevitably, there would be a relapse because he lacked any discipline in his life and this would happen over and over and over again and I wasn't willing to stick with someone that was so quick to turn on me.  

Thank God I respect myself more than that.  Thank God I got out when I did.  

I saw a news clip today of the press taking photos and video of Steve Jobs walking out of a cafe into his car.  He is obviously frail, he is on medical leave from Apple.  It is no secret that he has faces some horrible health issues and has recovered to some degree from these issues.  

What upsets me is the need that we humans seem to crave to invade the privacy of someone of notoriety when they are ill or suffering.  There are countless stories of people that are "stars" of some sort being followed into cancer treatments, at funerals of loved ones and on an occasional outing while managing through a divorce.  

Is there something about a person of notoriety going through a bad experience that makes them more human?  Does it somehow help us when we experience something similar?  I don't see how exploiting the pain of anyone can help anyone else.

This is not to be confused with people that are willing to talk about the pain they go through, this is about the active pursuit of getting into someone else's business.  Why do we buy the papers, magazines, etc to further perpetuate the need to do this again and again and again to people?  Do we assign this as a price for fame?  

Perhaps this just bothers me today because it is Steve Jobs and I am a really big fan of Steve Jobs but it really extends to anyone that carries the burden of paparazzi.  I wish we would grow up and learn to respect the space of others.  It is OK to pull back a bit and respect our fellow man. 

Wow, it has been so beautiful here in GA with temps around 65 degrees that I have crazy spring fever.  I am thinking about landscaping in the back yard, taking the border collie to the park, wearing t-shirts and putting all of my wool sweaters into storage.  This also sparks my desire to "clean out the closet" and take a few bags of items over to the goodwill.  I am so sick of wearing heavy clothing that I am tempted to just plop it all in bags but that won't happen.

Isn't it interesting though, I have incredible spring fever while I am currently about 1/2 way through my "how to knit a sweater class".  Of course my skill is nothing to write home about and couple that with my speed, I might have a sweater to wear next fall.  

I guess this is the time of year to just think about shedding.  Shedding the layers of clothes, shedding the items we accumulate and shedding the old and welcoming the new.  Perhaps the groundhog was right and spring really is just around the corner...

(well almost)

I saw the face of adrenal related joint pain today and it was my own.  I have only been attending the ashtanga full primary series for about six weeks.  I stink at it.  No really. That is ok.  I can only go up.  The other students are amazing.  They can easily do things like this:

They inspire me to work hard and to get to these postures.

But today was not that day.  Adrenal disease comes with the fabulous side effect of joint pain.  Now in my everyday life of just walking around that is controlled with very low does steroids.  Probably ok for most people but then again, most people aren't trying to do any of the Marichyasana series like this:

Let's just say they are sort of challenging to your knees, hips, etc..  There are four poses in the series and by the time we finished with the second one, my hips, knees, ankles and elbows were in terrible discomfort and I started to cry.  Of course I'm also not strong enough yet to jump from downward dog into the next seated posture so I am dragging my ass along where the other students just jump from pose to pose.  So after the pain from the marichyasana series, I was unable to even get close to wishing myself into the next two postures nonethless jumping from pose to pose.  I felt like I was so bad that I could have been asked to leave the class.  I was having a pitty party for myself.  I wanted to be invisible.  It was a new low of pathetic.

This makes my almost six years of Bikram look like child's play.  All those postures, were almost easy compared to this. 

I was told once by an Iyengar instructor that you have to make friends with whomever you brought to yoga today and I wasn't willing to be friend this loser I saw as myself.  

So I stayed in pain and kept trying and continued to feel utterly void of any skill at all.  

Somehow, I found a emotional low spot that had a ledge where I could stop the free fall.  I decided that my goal was simply to go easy and to do the best in each posture until I got to final three postures of the series.  They are three poses all done while in full lotus.  When we go to that part of class, I pull my legs into lotus and just let the tears free flow.  I couldn't really relax and control the breathing but I could get into the poses (not fully but my lotus stuck) and for about the next four minutes, I soaked the mat with my tears, but I picked that ass up off the ground in full lotus (not as high as the woman shown below but my ass was off the floor especially since I didn't want it all wet from where I had cried all over the floor)

I had to very gently release my legs as my ankles, hips and knees were in agony.  I wobbled out later but at least I had done something small.  

I need to be honest at some time with this blog and open up and explain all the factors that put me here, dealing with a stress related illness.  But for tonight, the best I can do is say that I came within a whisper of absolutely defeated.  I am humbled (as usual) and at least hope that next class statistically must be better than the next.  

I am a bit obsessive compulsive. I like things neat and clean. Now I didn't say uncomfortable, just neat and clean so I don't keep a lot of clutter about. I do have things that I keep on the side of the refrigerator but not the front.

Well, that isn't true right now. I have four items that have, in the past month moved to the front of the fridge. At Xmas, an amazing photographer that took stunning photos of my dogs last year sent me a calendar magnet with photos of the dogs on it. It was the first time. Then one of my holiday gifts was a gift certificate for private Iyengar classes. That made it to the fridge too. Both of these items were about to move when suddenly, my neighbor passed away. A true gentleman that served his country and was a friend to everyone that had the good fortune of meeting him. The card from his service needed a magnet to hold it on the fridge because I wanted to see it every day for awhile so the magnet stayed and the yoga card stayed to both serve as reminders to be grateful for the gifts that so many people give me all the time (friendship, time, love, etc.)

On Friday I got a thank you note from my vet. Now when you have had dogs for 20 years and no less than two at a time, you get to know your vet well. He and his team have been wonderful to me through thick and thin. Every year at Xmas I bring them cookies or do something and this year it was an edible arrangement. What he said was "you are the kindest client and friend I know".

I hate clutter on my fridge. But these four items remind me of love, friendship, gratitude and peace. A good theme to focus on in the start of the new year.

I have had the opportunity to practice the full primary series.  Let me just say frankly, I am absolutely getting my ass kicked.  I can do about 85% and of that 85% I can't do it well.  

I have no problem with this fact as it is something to reach for and then to be proud as my practice grows.  The series involves a lot of postures that include lotus (see above).  When you have joint pain, just lotus itself is challenging.  Now I think that I have mentioned that ALL my joints ache but in particular, my right knee aches dispropotionately.  My lotus isn't even, I am pushing hard on my right ankle to keep my right knee into the posture.  But I am sticking with it and staying in lotus.  

One of the particulars about Ashtanga is the way you transition between poses.  It is a true flow, a dance.  A seamless blend between one pose and the next.  So I had to transition and wanted to work on an easier version of transitioning so I rolled forward still in lotus onto my hands and knees.  Then I was to bend my arms and kick my legs straight out of lotus and move to chaturanga dandasana.  

Well, that was what was supposed to happen.  

What did happen is that I buried my face into the mat and started to cry.  The pressure of trying to evenly pull my legs out of the pose when I wasn't evenly in the pose caused so much pain to my knee that I immediately burst into tears.  

Fortunately, I didn't make any noises and it was just a second before I moved my legs back and kept going.  But that was enough.  Enough for me to take that 15% that I can't do and turn it into more like a strong 20% that I couldn't do that day.  The pain didn't stop me, the humility, the facing a limit and not being able to move it forward.  That is what stopped me that day. 

It was a miserable moment.  I am really hoping that I hit my low.  I am hoping that I learned enough that I don't have to repeat it.  

Oh I woke up today just miserable.  Last night I started getting a sore throat coupled with a headache.  It was irritating but manageable.  So I went to bed at a conservative time and before I went to bed, made myself a nice hot toddy.  I woke up this morning absolutely miserable.  Yes I still have the sore throat but it is probably sinus related as I have the mother of all headaches.  Couple that with a nice adrenal problem and sure enough every joint in my body aches as well.  Ouch, it hurts everywhere.  I have an electric blanket and the nice warm heat is giving me some relief but just damn.

Couple this with the fact that I really can't take anything while on thyroid medication so except for an occasional tylenol, I have to man up for these things.  I guess it will be a day of hot tea, hot baths and sleeping when I can.  Ug.  

I logged into work because I do have some things that I need accomplish.  Thanks to the weird January that we have had, I forgot that today is Wednesday (not Tuesday) and had to rush a few things along.  I have been at my desk for two days with a ton of papers to read and basically forgetting the day, time, etc..  They are a pile of papers delivered to me through my lawyer so I knew it would be a colossal mess.  Some areas have five copies of the same document and others are missing huge chunks of information.  I have to read each one, take notes on things I find new and different from what I already have, then organize them into something that is useful.  After that I make a list of items that are clearly missing (and when it took seven months to get these to begin with you don't actually expect to get what you asked for right?).  Meanwhile I am noodling how to open a file that is 85 mg worth of emails.  Oh joy.  I tried to convert it to a .pdf so I could wrestle that one down as well but sure enough, no dice.  After I figure out how to do that, then I have more reading, sorting, etc...  Needless to say, all this took me away from my daily tasks.

Who every thought that commercial roofing could be so sexy?

ouch... time to lay back down.

During a most miserable part of my audit yesterday, my honey called to ask if he could take me to dinner.  I told him that I was too mad at him from the conversation yesterday regarding his upcoming conference in Scotland.  Now he could not have handled me better.  He said that he was very sorry that he was joking and thought that I was as well and it was a complete misunderstanding on his behalf and that he would love for me to join him in Scotland.  He then added that based on my rotten day and his misunderstanding that he thought that I was in dire need of margaritas and that he would love to buy as many as I needed.

My honey rocks.  I am a big bonehead sometimes and totally misinterpreted what he said.  Shame on me.  

SCOTLAND HERE I COME!

PS I have been to SF many times and I love it but I have never been to SD.

Last night I was in a conversation with my honey and got absolutely set off.  I mean really pissed.  So much so I said, "I think we are done talking for the evening" and that was the end of the conversation.  Now he thinks that is funny.  I wasn't joking but how would you know since he couldn't see me through the phone.

Now part of my anger I am sure stems from the fact that there are differences between men and women and the other part is that it is totally old baggage from my ex husband. But here it is ~ in general (I do mean this in a general term and then will go to specifics) women think of everything down to the details to make sure that a man is comfortable and at ease and a man doesn't clue in on these things.  Thus men come off as more self centered.

My honey is not selfish.  He is clueless and does and says things that are self centered but not at the expense of others.  Just out of being a big dumb guy.  My ex husband would actively choose whatever pleases him at the minute specifically at the expense of others.  Not surprising for an addict.  That is common behavior and someone that is in the grips of addiction is not only NOT sorry for the choices but also justifies them.  Therefore when my honey does something that I perceive of a self centered, I automatically hit the pissed off button, since that is my history of exposure.

We are planning two trips this year, one to San Diego and the other to Alaska.  Now Alaska is a trip that I won from a manufacturer and I will buy in another place on the trip to take my honey with me.  Honey, on the other hand, gets invited all over the damn world all the friggin time to cool places.  Last night he was blathering on about his latest, Scottland and sure enough like a big dumb idiot, I thought he was planning on inviting me.  Then he asked to be sure it won't interfere with his ability to go fishing in Alaska I realized he wasn't thinking of me at all. And to be an even bigger fucking idiot, he then followed up with "well you wouldn't have fun during THIS conference" ~ as if I need a baby sitter.  I go my way while he works and we meet up at some point.  Last time I checked, I am one of the most independent people I have met.  

I think about everyone's needs and wants all the god damn time.  WTF, why don't I get equal consideration?

AND to further my upset, Steve Jobs took another leave from Apple.  I wish that I had as much creativity, vision and risk taking skills as he has in his pinkie.  I wish him well and for a total restoration of good health!

This is my rant for the day.  I have to figure out how to tactfully have a discussion with my honey and right now I am just too pissed off to be fair to any of his responses.

I am a very ambitious person. I am not lazy. In fact there are a few qualities that when I find in a person I instantly find them repulsive. Laziness is one of those qualities.

Now I am not talking about "Ug I am tired and unmotivated" I am talking about perpetual self indulgence that forces a person to defend the position of their laziness.

Now I find two sides to this coin. The side where you feel a strong reaction to any quality and here we are talking about laziness and the side where you try to balance when you see the quality in yourself.

When I found my doctor really upset with my not taking seriously the notion of "taking it easy" I realized that I would never heal my body if I didn't find ways to relax. Where is the balance between relaxation and becoming a person that is lazy. I bring so much baggage to this definition that I felt off balance for a long time.

See my ex husband turned out to be the most lazy, self indulgent sloth I could fathom. The only time he left the tv was to get more food and to go to work where he flew to Vegas and plopped his ever increasing ass in front of a black jack table to gamble my $ away. He left a grotesque mess in every room he visited and yelled at me when I came home and asked him to clean up after himself, defending his lazyiness by saying that it was my job to not only support the entire household, his condo, car, phone, etc. but also to be the maid. He defended his laziness on three counts: 1. his mom worked and kept the house 2. the three days a week that he worked, he worked hard for those three hours of flight before he sat in front of the blackjack table and 3. he had no money so it was my responsibility to do it all (and he had no money because of the gambling addition but that is another discussion). In the 14 months that we were married, he gained over 22 lbs.

To this day I feel revultion for anything that even hints of anything so lazy.

So how in the world was I ever going to find a balance of sitting down and relaxing? I started to knit. I took classes and really totally stunk at first but now I have become a strong beginner. Still, to this day I feel lazy at times. Today I am absolutely sore, my joints ache and tomorrow I have the full primary ashtanga series. That means I have to be on my super A game just to be able to do a strong 85% of the postures as I can not even get into 15%. I have to rest today. I have to knit, watch the news or my favorite, reruns of the show Damagaes. I will feel lazy even though I am actually producing something.

I don't think I have accomplished balance yet. The best I can do is look at both sides of the coin and realize that I still have so much baggage regarding laziness and at some point in the future, visualize forgiving myself for both inviting in someone that burdened and mistreated me so badly as well as forgive myself for need to and even occasionally enjoying REST and understanding that because I need it, it doesn't make me lazy. Tall burden. First step though, I acknowledge it and am willing to work toward it.