I caught myself doing exactly what I am supposed to be stopping, sweating the small stuff. I was beginning to get annoyed about a petty item. Then I remembered something from my childhood.

I have plenty of great memories of my grandparents while I was young. They lived in a small steel town outside of Pittsburgh that was mostly Italian and Polish immigrants. Those where the days when I developed love of perogies. Good stuff. One of the neighbors was a retired couple. Super nice people. Bubba lived with them. Bubba was the wife's mother and was 100% grandmother material to her family and to every family in the area. It was hard not to adore Bubba. She fed me a lot of ice cream.

Many years later, something horrible happened. There was a fire at the neighbor's house and Bubba died in the fire. Everyone was heartbroken to say goodbye to Bubba. My grandmother didn't handle it well. She was pissed. Her friend was taken from her and she wanted someone to blame. She told me that she thought it was the daughter's fault as she was out playing golf and left Bubba home alone. It was a ridiculous and vitriolic. My grandmother would have been pissed if she had been at the grocery store, in the hospital or scrubbing down her own shower at home, she wanted someone to blame and was grotesquely inconsiderate and unwilling to look at the situation any differently. My mother and I both told her that she was wrong and her anger was completely unjust. It was useless. She wanted her anger and no one was going to take it from her.

How many times have I held onto my anger? Let me try that again, how many times a DAY do I hold onto my anger, no matter how small? What exactly did I inherit?

This recognition, although small, is a step. I can see it, now I have to learn to actually not hang onto it any more.

During the past few months I have experienced all the symptoms of both hashimoto's thyroiditis along with low adrenal function.  Not only am I now 40 but I have spent this year a slave to hormones.  Why am I putting myself through all this?  Because I have to learn to chang my mind. So simple and so diffacult. 

I can tell that I am getting better.  I have to limit my intake of coffee and my fatigue levels have improved dramatically. I am so grateful that the "brain fog" has lifted.  I felt trapped by my inablity to have my mind move quickly through problems.  Finally, I am able to process at a good clip again. Imagine looking at an excel worksheet full of calculations and you simply know the answer before you hit click on any equasion. This was my normal pace.  During my "brain fog" I would be confused about how I even came up with the calculations nonetheless what the answer might be.  I had to check and recheck and recheck everything.  

My adreanals however have been a bit trickier. Persnickety really is the word. My adreanals have a problem because of stress.  I don't mean the "I am stuck in traffic" type of stress.  I am talking a result of a series of events over the past four years that individually are overwhelming but collectively was more that I was able to manage well.  I am a type A. I can handle a lot.  You aren't a female roofer if you are faint of heart. This means that no matter how well I may have managed any situation, I was a terrible failure at learning how to manage my perception. This in turn pegged my cortisol levels for months and now my adrenals are forcing me to manage stress differently.

So the first question the my dr asked me when I visited him was "Since you are unable to do Bikram yoga (**side note I can not work out in my usual 105 degree heat as my body cant handle that stress right now) what are you doing to relieve stress"?  Oh oh. Is that a trick question? 

I did have one good answer.  Peanut, the new doggie.  I didn't give up agility and in fact Peanut is now working on her agility skills.  The rest of my answers were a clear indication that I have learned close to zero.

The worst side effect of stiking a balance of correct thyroid levels and adrenal meds is the occasional anxiety.  I can wake up at 3am panic stricken or at 1pm suddenly really worried about almost nothing.  The only productive way to combat anxiety is to do exactly what I never got right and thus caused my adrenal issues ~ relax. CHANGE YOUR MIND.  Change the perception of the item. 

A big task for me.  At least my body isn't asking me to change my perception of chocolate!

So, I may be aging myself here but when I was little I LOVED Silly Putty.  I would run to the paper and stick the gooey substance to my favorite cartoon and just giggle with delight.  Yes of course like every other child I tried to eat the salty substance and put it on photos of family members and stretched out the faces to look like a prehistoric version of Stewey from Family Guy.  It was good, unsophisticated fun.

Fast forward and it is odd how I am not giggling at the 10,000 pages of contracts, insurance certs, bank forms, etc that I power through my scanner so that I can email them to anyone that needs them.  If I worked at it, I could photoshop some of these documents to distort into something that I find vaguely amusing.  Hmmm... I don't think I would ever get to the point of giggling from my scanner.  (and no scanning someones rear end is in no way amusing to me).  

How did we come so far from simplicity?  Perhaps this is a rite of passage for me as I grow through adulthood (nice way of saying over 40) but the items that I spend quality time with such as my kindle, computer, etc cost a small fortune, are not necessarily easy to use and certainly are not as portable as that silly putty.  I am keenly aware that you can take the girl out of Carnegie Mellon but can never take the Carnegie Mellon out of the girl so I will always desire the new hot geek toys.  I am disappointed that my ipad keypad arrived yesterday but my ipad won't be here for three more weeks.  When did I get so entrenched in smaller, faster, better?

Thankfully, tonight I will take my pound puppies to agility.  I don't do it to be some competitor although we may do that, I do it because it is the same simple fun I had with silly putty.  I have ball, dog likes ball, dog wags tail, I throw ball, dog gets ball, dog kisses my face, I wag my tail (not quite as precisely as the dog), everyone happy!  I hope that on this upcoming fourth of July weekend, for just a moment, everyone can find a moment of simplicity and unsophisticated, uncomplicated fun.  Let's all give our iphone, blackberry, facebook, twitter, powerbook, ipad, kindle hands a break.  

Now unplug and go outside. If it is raining, invest $1.75 in silly putty. 

Have a safe and happy 4th of July holiday.  

I am starting to feel better about the large, looming situation that we have to face in business.  I am actually starting to relax.  Soon I will be able to sleep at night after a nice workout again without needing an ambien.  My body is healing and a few days away from the office has done me a world of good.  I got a lot of work done and can exhale.

So now I enter an interesting dance called Trust Part II.  Each of us that were involved in all the damage that occurred last year are players and now we each have to learn to trust each other to do what is best for everyone involved.  I believe that my father and I can trust our lawyer. Can I trust opposing council to work with us?  Can I trust that the updated information from the scientists will be appropriately used to solve the problem?  Can I trust who is standing behind me?  Perhaps my perspective should be can I learn to trust the man standing behind me and can I define what I need.  This isn't just a test in business, it is a test in my personal life too.  Each of us that play a part for the Klein Contracting team is strong, competent, eloquent and determined to be the best for the client. Each of us however, take this problem home and trust that our loved ones will have the faith in us that we need and reflect back that trust in us.  

The trust part II dance must begin so that we can gently wind it to its conclusion. 

Any insight?

Sometimes you go through "growth" phases in life.  You know, the kind of growth that keeps you up at night staring at the ceiling wishing that you didn't find yourself in circumstances that encourage "growth".  Moments when after you have done everything possible to work on a situation, you have to learn to let it go so you can rest at night.

I am in one of these "growth" phases.

What fascinates me is that I was in an even bigger "growth" phase this time last year.  I was so unsuccessful that not only do I have an issue from last year back but it contributed to my low adrenal problem that has caused my so many health issues this year.

So I guess it is time to grow and to do it in a fashion that doesn't harm my health.

GULP

Now at first when this issue that is back confronted me I went straight into total shock mode.  I spent about four days in that place.  Now I have contemplated it, (and I am not alone in this issue, I am in it with my family and we have others as well) and although I am (we are) small, we are mighty.  I believe in us. We are in a fight with people that are not sophisticated enough to work with us on the problem as they don't understand the true nature of it, however they have unlimited resources. They can continue to throw resources at us instead of the problem. The facts are on our side.  We will defend.  But what we want to do is to help them solve the problem.  We don't want to be adversarial.  We want to put all of the resources together and make something better out of a bad situation.  We do not however, have control of the choices of the other side. 

(complete side note here ~ when training in the martial arts I HATED confrontation.  I could handle it well, I knew how to fight to defend myself but you NEVER saw me throw the first anything. You were trained to never use your skills except to defend. To this day I HATE confrontation and although I have a strong personality it makes me anxious and angry when I am in a confrontation, more so than it would anyone else. The contradiction is here, that I intimiadate people because I have a strong personality so they think I would be confrontational.)

But I still haven't moved into a place where I am at any sort of peace.  All those years in the martial arts and yoga and I have to blow the dust off my ablity to meditate.  My thoughts are running so fast it is as if I am trapped within a stampede of buffalo.  I started the martial arts when I was eight and I started at a studio that was run by a world champion from Korea so we did focus on meditation and embraced eastern traditions. It was an amazing experience that taught me so much that I have used throughout my life.  It seems however, some of the most important items I have forgotten.  I remember working on exercises where we worked on controlling our heart rate and breathing.  I was easily able to distance myself from any racing thoughts and learned visualization techniques to enhance my practice.  Now when I try to go back to the place where I can use all these items, I find myself "out of spiritual shape".  I need a tremendous tune up where I refresh all the best things that I already know.

I guess my growth is all about going back to what I know, refining it and bringing it forward into my everyday life.  I don't have to do it in while smelling carpet (if you want to be a black belt, especially a good one, you are going to get knocked down a lot so you learn how to not get knocked down), I have to do it under conditions where the pressure is much greater.  

OK,

So I haven't blogged in awhile because I have so much going on that I am in the middle of that I haven't had a chance to keep up nonetheless gather my thoughts to blog.  I have one that I am steamed over that I want to share.

When you get into a situation that promotes... hostility... there are two types of opponents.  Competent and incompetent.  Competent is a lot harder to deal however incompetent will piss you off more.

At work, I spent time and money last week scrapping with an incompetent person.  Now in our business with usually work with two or three different groups for any given client.  There can be a contracts/purchasing group, an engineering group and then an ap group.  Each is a very different relationship.  We have worked for public school system X for several years now.  The engineering group at public school system X (hereby known as PSSX) is a good, solid team.  They truly work in the spirit to get the best possible quality project for PSSX.  I have a lot of respect for these people.  They also subcontract work to some of the best roof consultants in the South!  TOP NOTCH team! I enjoy working with them.  A+.  HOWEVER in order to get to the engineering group you have to first work on the bid, place the bid, go through the bid opening, get your bid recommended to the board for PSSX, get your pre-job documents approved (which is a moving target as they change about every 15 minutes and are not well documented) and then you get your contract executed and can set up a pre-job meeting.  This process can take up to three months to complete.  You know that going in and simply keep working hard until everything is satisfied.  It is a lot of work and it is your job to do it so you do it.  It is what the client wants and needs and you always ALWAYS do what you can to do the right thing for the client.

A few months ago the game changed.  Apparently the two big heads of the construction/purchasing group of PSSX and one admin were indicted by a grand jury.  Apparently there was tampering in construction contracts.  This was an ugly mess in the press for PSSX and an interim director was appointed.  You would assume that this director is both competent and methodical ~ especially leading the team out of a situation that cause the group great anxiety and a HUGE black eye from the media.  I am here to tell you, that is far from the truth.

There are a series of documents required to submit with a bid for PSSX.  They exist in order to be sure that PSSX is getting exactly what they need as well as to guarantee the integrety of the bid process.  Each document is to be treated sacred and not filling out any small item of these documents can subject you to having your entire bid considered "non responsive".  Therefore after the HOURS it takes to put these bids together, we are very careful on each of these documents.  It is one thing to be beaten out on a contract because of price but an entirely different situation to be tossed because you were sloppy.  This is a common practice and everyone knows it well. 

One day in April,  I attended two bid openings held back to back from PSSX.  The process is that all bids that are clocked in at a certain time are then opened by the interim director and the bids are read out loud and recorded.  Everyone writes down the results and goes home.  Bid openings are open to everyone. Then before the next board meeting (usual the day before) the agenda for the board meeting is posted and the recommended low bidder results are posted for approval of the contract then the contracting proceeds.  There is no communication between PSSX and the contractor during this time period, you simply wait and watch.  Well during one bid for a roof system, Roofer Y did not submit a base bid but did submit an alternate bid.  We submitted both the base bid and the alternate bid.  On the base bid, we were apparent low bidder.  On the alternate we were #2.  (note this discussion has nothing to do with Roofer Y and I want to be clear on that point)

The day of the board meeting PSSX group submitted a recommendation to their board for the base bid for Roofer Y.  WHAT BASE BID?  THEY READ THAT THERE WAS NO BASE BID.  THEY EVEN HAD A SIDE DISCUSSION DURING THE BID OPENING.????  

In 21 years of business, we have never questioned a bid process.  We never stir the pot however something was wrong here. We also noted another anomaly in the pricing but that was not the heart of the matter.  So I wrote a letter to the interim director and copied all the people that attended the bid opening requesting a copy of the bid document submitted by Roofer Y.  I was informed that it was not PSSX's policy to give out that information.  ? HUH?  So then I did a formal request via the open records act for that information (again copying everyone).  The admin of the interim director sent me a note asking me if I wanted to attend a meeting.  No, I just want a copy of the document. Then the admin called me.  Now this admin is straight out of the text book for a government jobs program entitled chip on your shoulder idiot.  PERIOD.  I was treated as an small ant that had no rights.  I had to explain in painful detail that the open records act gives me full rights to examine and copy the document at my will and that was exactly what I wanted to do.  She proceeded to tell me that "I was not understanding and we were in miscommunication" Bullshit.  I was painfully clear about what I wanted and interim director sent one of her henchwomen out to try to get me to go away.  Finally she stuck to the fact that they would have to get permission from Roofer Y to show me that document. Fine do it!  Then it was responded that since I already emailed the group that would satisfy the "request for permission" and I had to then clarify that PSSX was basically willing to do nothing to satisfy my Open Records request.  Then idiot admin finally said they would request that permission.  I was told that all I had the right to see was the bid tab sheet which I already had and AGAIN was WRONG according to the open records act.  I hung up and called my lawyer.

NOTE: HAD THIS DEPARTMENT (THAT HAS SUFFERED A BLOODBATH FROM THE PRESS DUE TO CONSTRUCTION CONTRACT TAMPERING) HAD EVEN BEGUN TO TREAT ME WITH ANY RESPECT AND DEMONSTRATED ANY WILLINGINGNESS TO COMPLY WITH THE OPEN RECORDS ACT I WOULD NOT HAVE CALLED MY LAWYER.  But at this point it looked like either: 1. they were crazy incompetent or 2. they had something to hide.

My lawyer absolutely rocked.  He came out blasting an explain in excruciating detail that PSSX doesn't have the right to have a policy that trumps the open records act and that it was unacceptable to respond as such and that we expect the documentation.  (Understand here that I am pushing an elephant uphill and having to educate a group that should be so educated in the open records act after the multiple requests they got from the press over the past year.)  After spending time and money on the bid process I am now spending time and money on attempting to get one ten page document!!!

PSSX wanted to still keep the meeting time and my lawyer responded that we would only if it was productive and thus we could review and get a copy of the document.

So we showed to this meeting with PSSX last Friday and at best you would call it hostile.  The interim director came out swinging at me and I was no longer taking this bullshit.  We fought about having a meeting and she actually had the audacity to ask me "how would you feel if someone wanted to see your bid"???  Funny, I thought the point of a bid process to a government entity was that you understood that EVERYTHING you do is subject to the scrutiny of the public. My response of course was that was irrelevant as my information, just as every other bidder was subject to the public records act.  THIS DIRECTOR was worried about FEELINGS?  Screw the law, feelings were the most important thing during contracting!  Should a offer up a hug with my bid next time? Then we got into a scrap for the price for this 8 page document.  They wanted to charge me $27.50 when the open records act clearly states the max you can charge is $.25 a page.  (just following the math here it was $25 for an admin fee.  So an admin spent what 15 min tops copying the document?  That means that admin would be worth $208,000/yr + 35% overhead therefore $280,800/year person made my ten pages copy?)? FINALLY I was able to view the original bid document from Roofer Y. At this point I held up the document and explained to the interim director that she discussed and recorded NO BID for the base bid yet it was clearly written in and that is acceptable but then because the attempted to withhold my rights to view this document I pursued viewing it.  I understood as they represent the taxpayers of the county that they have the right to accept the base bid but it was because of the way this was recorded that I questioned it.  THEN we explained to them that the bid form was incomplete as they were missing the non collusion affidavit as well as did not list the subcontracting companies and each sub had to submit a non collusion affidavit.  To this they responded "oh here it is" and they handed me the contractors qualification submittals.  We then had to show them the forms from their documentation and a copy of our bid to demonstrate how the form is expected to be completed.  The room got silent at this point.  We indicated that we were not going to pursue this matter further.  We left the meeting.  NO ONE ON THE CONTRACTS SIDE KNEW WHAT THE BID THEY PUT TOGETHER CONTAINED AND HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FILLED OUT.  ASTONISHING. 

We were notified by fax a few days later that they were throwing both sets of bids out that bid that day and the job will be rebid.  

So lets review:

1. they had no idea how to comply with the open records act and react with hostility to the party that makes the request

2. they have no idea how to charge for such a request

3. they are unfamiliar with the documents included in their own bid forms 

4. the former director for this group make $200k+/year. Is it fair to assume that the taxpayers are paying this person $200k+as well for such belligerence? Especially since PSSX have had to lay off teachers in this school system.  The engineers in this group would be worth every penny, they make it all happen. 

5. the interm director has an admin that she chooses allow her to treat contractors with gross hostility and is insistant in promoting a policy that trumps the law

I know this, the former director was indicted however, she NEVER let this crap happen under her watch.  She would probably have been a competent opponent if it ever came to that but I never saw her treat people this way.  And she NEVER would have let an incompetent government jobs program admin to handle her dirty work. Perhaps PSSX should hire someone that is at least after the truth and is competent before they come out half cocked.  I have yet to see my thank you note for spending my time and money educating this group.  What happened was no secret in our community. I have heard a lot of buzz about what happened and several people have commented to me regarding how thrilled they were that someone finally questioned this bid process. That doesn't make me any less angry. 

Summer hasn't been all that fun thus far.  Last Friday my Dr. had to increase my dosage of Cortef and again, it seems to be working.  Meanwhile I will go to Bikram tonight but it has been almost 1.5 weeks since I have gone.  I have to take it easy and take it slow as I am tired but I know I am getting stronger.  Now this doesn't mean that I am not still getting everything done, just not working out because after all that, I don't have the energy.  I feel like a potato.  

I purchased an ellipitcal machine and it was delivered on Thursday.  I was planning on getting on it Friday etc... Sure enough I had to go to NY this weekend for a potential emergency.  Fortunately, the crisis passed and it allowed me to spend time with one of my sister's dogs, Pepe.  (see photo of Pepe above).  I was caught in some sort of airline weather issues and got home Monday 2:30am.  Ug.  Wiped out.  Monday I went to work then had a lot of laundry and sleeping to do.  Yesterday I had several appointments.  All these "items" are things I need to do but I get great relief by going to yoga and working out.  Stress relief as well as relief that I won't expand my waistline.  I feel a bit like I am walking through mud.  It is a slow process.  I was never good at the waiting game.

The good news is that when I got home Monday, I had to sleep in the guest room upstairs as my mom was in my room with the dogs.  HOLY CRAP, how long do you think it took me to order a new mattress?  Yea, I got that done on Monday.  I have a tempurpedic on my bed but I order a fancy one from the W.  I can't believe that I have been so mean to my guests!  In August, I am having a complete remodel done of my bathroom to turn the crappy space that it is into something spectacular.  This means I have to live in that guest room for up to eight weeks.  After that, guests may want to come back to visit.  They will have a comfortable space to rest.  

I know this blog was just like chewing on grass but I have a lot brewing to talk about soon and this really was me just touching base and getting back into the act...  

Namaste.

I brought my newest addition with me last Thursday to agility.  Now she isn't ready to start the class however, I want her to get accustomed to being out and about and socializing her a bit so when she does start (hopefully this fall) she won't deal with fear issues like Madison does.  While at class I expressed my displeasure with the name given to her at the shelter, Robin.  Nothing wrong with the name but it just doesn't fit.  One of my classmates suggested Peanut.  PERFECT.  She's nuts, Max is nuts, Madison is nuts, I am nuts why not just put it out in the open and name one of the dogs for a nut, Peanut!  

Thus welcome to the family Peanut!

She is 7.5 pounds of pure energy and I love the fact that she is part Italian Greyhound mix as she can fly!  I can't wait to train her up and let her loose on the agility track.  I think she might even be faster than Madison.

So speaking of doing and saying things that are nuts, I was on the phone with my mother today and told her that one of her comments sounded like that of someone who did too much pot in the 1960's!  Perhaps not the best approach but it worked.  She realized how stupid she sounded.  Of course what you are not hearing in the story is that my mom is partially deaf and refuses to wear her hearing aid.  This means she doesn't EVER get the entire story so she superimposes whatever she wants on top of things.  For example, years ago she and I were out to dinner.  I told her that she HAD to read "Memoirs of a Geisha".  The next day she went to the bookstore.  I spoke with her and she was so frustrated because she and someone that worked in the book store could not find "Memories of a Gay Chef".  Moments like these are funny.  Others however are frustrating.  She and my father have been on one real vacation in the past 10 years and it was a Hawaiian cruise with myself and my ex.  Mom loves cruising and Dad wants to travel so I called her today to sell them on the idea of doing a Spain/Monte Carlo/Italy cruise.  Now dad tells me to ask mom and mom tells me to ask dad and between them they plan NOTHING. ? So dad seemed excited and I was speaking with mom who got thrilled at the idea (and this one it is ok if she misses out on a few things she gets the big picture). All was going well until she said "aren't you worried about everything going on in the world?"  

Huh, which part?

Then she says "what about the pink hole in Guatemala".  

SHUT UP!

To this I responded in a few ways:

"Are you going to Central America?  NO you are going to Europe"

"where did you hear this bs from?"

"are you sure that you didn't do any drugs in the 1960's?"

Now I know that she was supposed to hear SINK hole and yes I read the news but WOW my mom was worried about a pink hole and what it meant in the universe.

Perhaps we should nickname everyone in the family.  Mom can be macadamia, Dad cashew, etc... 

Happy Tuesday.

I have had nothing short of a delightful evening.  My day was full of busy details that didn't amount to much.  As I have realized that I am not yet healthy enough to do Bikram two days in a row, nonetheless three, I had to take the evening off so I decided to self indulge and grab my kindle and go for a good mani/pedi.  I was about 50% of the way through "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" when it got profoundly great and a massive thunderstorm hit.  I was stuck getting a foot massage and staying a long time to enjoy a book.  Then I walked next door for a great Thai meal to finish waiting out the rain.  I finished 20% of the book just waiting out the rain.  NICE. 

Now I am going to watch part 1 of the season finale of Justified to satisfy my inner bad ass self.  

What a great evening. 

Just me and the dogs. Does this make me an introvert?  I love socializing but wow this has been fun!  Now I have to get my gluten free ice cream and let my border collie cuddle with me on the couch.   Tomorrow back to good work and hopefully a great Bikram class but for now, I am all about the self indulgence!

Ug, am I pissed off today.

So I have been on the new meds for almost two weeks now and doing significantly better.  I have purchased about five books on hypothyroidism and the safe use of Cotef, etc..  Several of these books establish a relationship between hypothyroidism and gluten intolerance.  In fact one dr goes so far as to speculate that gutens in a diet can trigger some of the imbalance.  OK, I get the message.  So starting today I will go on a 30 day gluten free diet.  I wonder about my cereal but I will replace it today (I think it is gluten free but I could be wrong, Nature's Choice tends to make all organic, gluten free products but I will check and replace if necessary).  

I am quite put off today for a number of reasons.  First I am astonished about the general lack of knowledge regarding hypothyroidism, low adrenal function, etc..  When I was diagnosed 11 years ago as having a terrible thyroid problem, there was hardly any resources that I could use to help me to understand the disease.  The medical community would run a blood test and give you synthetic thyroid replacement.  It didn't matter if you still felt terrible and/or would need to change doses or meds every 6 - 9 months as I did.  It took almost nine years for me to find my current Dr. that ran a lot more tests and really hone in on hashimoto's thyroiditis (common) and to treat it as an autoimmune disorder, not just a lack of a hormone.  He suspected then that I had an adrenal problem and since I have done several of the saliva tests (which I loathe doing) to prove that my adrenals are ... well tired.  Unfortunately I still find that most drs have no clue how to treat this.  In fact my GP is a wonder dr but very... "old school" and so I don't mention much about my thyroid treatment with him.  He lectures me and he is a boutique care dr!  

This has been a struggle.  I am finally back to my yoga classes but I still have aches in my joints, particularly my right knee.  By the time I get to tree pose/toe stand, I can hardly do the posture (cant twist that knee right now).  Funny, that IS NOT my "bad" knee.  (you know the one that suffered that little injury from the marital arts then re injured in college).  I think this is improving and will continue to improve but I am still very aware of the limitations that I am still suffering.  

Last time I had been this sick for this long I was not in a serious relationship and not an officer in my Rotary club.  I could "hide" and do a lot of my acitivites from my house so everyone could see the good face I put on it but didn't really understand how hard it was for me to get up every day and to do everything.  This time I have had to be more out front and many people rely on me for many things so I have done... OK with it.  Not great by any means but I am so type A that I muddle through things.  I am certainly not proud of myself over the past four months but considering how sick I have been, I have done... alright. Naturally alright is absolutely unacceptable to me. 

During this entire time my honey has done a great job.  Until now.  Last week he left for Fiji for a month.  He has a local cell phone and we usually email a daily update and talk every three days.  Well, today is day six and no friggin' phone call.  Now I NEVER give him any grief about his travel schedule.  He is in research and this is who he is.  NO ISSUE.  But we still communicate regularly no matter where he is and have had this pattern for three years now.  So today I woke up furious about this.  I have gotten three emails.  Now he is crazy busy, I get that, but this is bulls**t.  I got on Skype this am and called (it was 12:30am Fiji time and I know he is generally awake at this time).  I had a terrible reception and we cut in and out but we got a few points across.  He has been busy diving and buying construction material for a large project they are working on.  I told him I buy construction materials every day and that I just wasn't sure if he had died during a shark attack and that was what was preventing a call.  Needless to say I got cut off and neither of us tried to call the other.  I sent him a note that told him I lost the call and that I get it, there is no home depot in Fiji and that his phone works fine.  

I don' whine. I don't nag.  I am not overly demanding.  I am immaculate, respectful of space, and supportive.  I am uncomfortable with the notion of "out of sight, out of mind".  It hasn't been this way in three years.  He even mailed me a card when he left, got me huge flowers for our three year anaversary, and has been a great team player but that shouldn't stop because he isn't here.   

Thus today has been so far a day of fatigue and frustration.  Grrrr.  More after house chores...