It is time for the final push to get ready for the upcoming Rotary year.  I am amazingly busy and excited all at the same time.  Naturally this means that I am interacting more with all types of members right now.  Of course this is wonderful but the quantities of interaction are infinitely greater than the comfort level for any introvert. I am an INTJ.  Most people getting ready to start this Rotary job would be overwhelmed with the workload.  I don't view that as my weak spot.  It is the social spotlight that makes me uncomfortable.

I realize that most people don't know or wouldn't peg me as an introvert.  I have three topics that I tend to talk that are safely within my comfort zone: Rotary, work and dogs.  I have noticed that as a result of the number of meetings I am having, I am beginning to show some of the introvert tendencies even when talking about these "comfortable" subjects.  I can not choose my words as comfortably so I stumble upon my own vocabulary, I repeat myself and then after the meeting, I hone in on some small trip up and think about how unsophisticated I look for about two hours.  Typical introvert behavior.  Feels awful.

Now isn't the time to slow it down.  Now is the time for me to have more meetings.  Some of these meetings are for me to just get to know people better.  Most of the people that I spend time with are like meeting old friends.  They are both interesting and wonderful! But it still overloads my introvert mind.  

I hate perpetually feeling awkward.  I am currently working with a fellow Rotarian that is also an introvert on a new project.  This person has channelled their talents into creating something special for this new project.  This effort takes infinite hours and will serve as a powerful and compelling tool for this project.  I understand the level of satisfaction that comes from this type of work as I am doing some of these things too however I have to find the balance between this behind the scenes time and the out in the public time.  Right now I think I have to accept awkward as the new normal.  It will probably slow down a bit around mid July, early August.  Until then, I need to breathe and slow down more in conversation.  These people are my friends.  This is a volunteer job that I means a lot to me.  I have one shot at doing a great job but I wish for just a few months, I could be an extrovert.  The extroverts that I know thrive in these environments.  Time to take a few cues from an extrovert. 

It has been a rough few weeks.  I have been fortunate that with a strict change in diet and following the Dr.'s advice my body has gotten stronger and stronger so it was time to reduce my medicine.  Great ~ or so I thought.  

I was put on a synthetic thyroid hormone.  I have been on this medicine before but it had been years.  The first two weeks of the adjustment is always the hardest.  Sometimes I feel worse before I feel better.  This time was really hard.  But it was hard in a different way.  By the end of the first week I had terrible joint pain in my hands and feet, I lost my drive for many things that I usually enjoy, my face become incredibly dry and irritated and of course the fatigue set in. 

By the end of the second week, it wasn't just an adjustment.  I had full blown rosacea, swollen hands and feet, tightness when I tried a full deep inhale and heartburn.  I had an allergic reaction to the new medication.  I was able to change back quickly but I had to heal from these symptoms.  

Of course this made yoga very hard for me.  I had little energy and was in pain.

Yoga is my personal time.  I find it peaceful however I have a fundamental flaw in my thinking.  I expect that my practice always improves and I base that improvement on how flexible I am, my ability to balance etc..  This is the the most un-yogic thing I could possibly do. 

My teacher pulled me aside and told me to go slow, don't do any of the jumping back or jumping through which is a big part of the vigorous nature of Ashtanga.  I followed her instruction and although it was tough for me to dial it down, by the time class was over, my joints had loosened up, my breathing steadied and I felt more relaxed.  I took it easy throughout the next day and went again the next night and had a similar experience.  I did it again the next day but this time I was exhausted.  I hardly had the energy to get through Surya Namaskara A and B.  And that was when the magic kicked in.  

The beauty of mysore style is that you go at your own pace.  You have to listen to your body and my body said, one breath at a time.  I only had slow breaths and slow gentle movements.  I didn't have the energy for judgement.  I went, at a snails pace from posture to posture.  It was amazing!  It was the first time I fully accepted the MOMENT and understood the journey of yoga.  So many times I have been told how well you do the postures is completely irrelevant and I refused to accept this.  Finally I did, and now, after years of studying multiple types of yoga, I understand.  

I went to a yoga workshop this weekend with the diminished capacity and it didn't matter at all to me.  I took it as a time to just have some a chance to focus and breathe.  I didn't go out of my way to overdo it in any posture.  I just went at my own pace, got a few adjustments and spent time with friends.  I was able to enjoy the beauty of my practice and the practice of others.  I did a great job of totally botching sanskrit, falling on my rear end in bujapidasana and finding joy and laughter in "oopppsss" moments.  I was able to go without having expectations other than being open to having fun.  I got exactly what I wanted.  

I am most grateful for the support of my teacher and yogi buddies.  You don't learn acceptance when you are at the top of your game.  You learn it when you are struggling.  Now that I feel like I have an idea of how to let it go, I know that each class can bring me even more peace and comfort than before.  Each class is an opportunity for me.  Finally after years, I have learned one of the most important lessons of the practice. 

I have this great propensity to worry.  I mean I could participate in the anxiety Olympics.  

At 5am yesterday, my iPad NOAA weather radio AP woke me regarding fire hazards in the area.  When this happens on a Saturday morning, you and your partner notice.  He was put off that yet another alarm went off and he got up to work.  I went back to bed. 

So last night I had a house full of family member celebrating three birthdays and I thought it would be a great fall night to enjoy wine by the fire pit.  Sure enough although we doused the area with water and the fire naturally was about out before we doused the fire pit completely, I got up twice in the middle of the night to check it.  I took a small piece of information that was only a warning and surmised a mountain out of it.  I disregarding the facts that multiple people, myself included check the fire and put plenty of water on it.  I disregarded the opinion of others that everything was fine.  I put myself into hyperdrive worry mode.

My damn NOAA ap went off again this morning at 5am and again woke us both.  This time I took it in a completely wrong direction.  I jumped "to the worst conclusion in a single bound" about something else entirely.  Enough so to make me almost to the point on needing to run to the bathroom to be ill.  I said something that may not have even been heard and at 5am (when everyone is always sharp and at their best) I made a horrible assumption and am now, instead of sleeping practicing again for the anxiety Olympics.

From what I am learning I am guessing that anxiety is much worse for introverts as we spend so much time mulling about things to ourselves we naturally turn over a situation so many times that we can become trapped in our own poor conclusions.  This technique works well for problem solving but not for emotions.  We spin and stir and at the end of the day sacrifice time in joy with time in anxiety, time when we feel nauseated, distressed, in blaming ourselves for our own shortcomings in a situation that most likely, isn't real to begin with.  

I used to have terrible anxiety attacks as a result of a medication that I am taking.  They usually occurred between 10 pm and 3 am and would toss me into the realm of full blown, hyperventilation and panic.  The first time it happened I discretely excused myself from the table and took some medicine for it.  The medicine only took it down about 50% and it was so massive that 50% reduction was still not enough to even grasp for a rational thought.  Thankfully, that only happens rarely and the attacks are almost wimpy compared to their counterparts.  I learned when I was struck awake to tell myself that what I was feeling was not real and to calm the racing thoughts.  Sometimes I was so successfull at this that I was able to go back to sleep right away.  Other times, it took some winding down time to feel at ease again.

I spend little time "at ease".  The worry about the fire and this mornings possible miscommunication feels real to me.  I should know better about paper tigers but as hard as I try to balance my anxiety with my propensity for rational thought, I can't seem to successfully reduce this mountain of useless, harmful emotion.  This one may take me several days to work through on extremely limited feedback.  I will throw myself into yoga, work, social time, the dogs, my renovation project and particularly Rotary (as I am behind on some of my goals) but these are distractions, not solutions.  The solution is peace.  It is acceptance that I sometimes have these powerful fear based emotions and then letting them go.  At moments like this, I feel that I have a better shot at splitting the atom.