December 10, 2011
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Acceptance as a Yogi…
It has been a rough few weeks. I have been fortunate that with a strict change in diet and following the Dr.’s advice my body has gotten stronger and stronger so it was time to reduce my medicine. Great ~ or so I thought.
I was put on a synthetic thyroid hormone. I have been on this medicine before but it had been years. The first two weeks of the adjustment is always the hardest. Sometimes I feel worse before I feel better. This time was really hard. But it was hard in a different way. By the end of the first week I had terrible joint pain in my hands and feet, I lost my drive for many things that I usually enjoy, my face become incredibly dry and irritated and of course the fatigue set in.
By the end of the second week, it wasn’t just an adjustment. I had full blown rosacea, swollen hands and feet, tightness when I tried a full deep inhale and heartburn. I had an allergic reaction to the new medication. I was able to change back quickly but I had to heal from these symptoms.
Of course this made yoga very hard for me. I had little energy and was in pain.
Yoga is my personal time. I find it peaceful however I have a fundamental flaw in my thinking. I expect that my practice always improves and I base that improvement on how flexible I am, my ability to balance etc.. This is the the most un-yogic thing I could possibly do.
My teacher pulled me aside and told me to go slow, don’t do any of the jumping back or jumping through which is a big part of the vigorous nature of Ashtanga. I followed her instruction and although it was tough for me to dial it down, by the time class was over, my joints had loosened up, my breathing steadied and I felt more relaxed. I took it easy throughout the next day and went again the next night and had a similar experience. I did it again the next day but this time I was exhausted. I hardly had the energy to get through Surya Namaskara A and B. And that was when the magic kicked in.
The beauty of mysore style is that you go at your own pace. You have to listen to your body and my body said, one breath at a time. I only had slow breaths and slow gentle movements. I didn’t have the energy for judgement. I went, at a snails pace from posture to posture. It was amazing! It was the first time I fully accepted the MOMENT and understood the journey of yoga. So many times I have been told how well you do the postures is completely irrelevant and I refused to accept this. Finally I did, and now, after years of studying multiple types of yoga, I understand.
I went to a yoga workshop this weekend with the diminished capacity and it didn’t matter at all to me. I took it as a time to just have some a chance to focus and breathe. I didn’t go out of my way to overdo it in any posture. I just went at my own pace, got a few adjustments and spent time with friends. I was able to enjoy the beauty of my practice and the practice of others. I did a great job of totally botching sanskrit, falling on my rear end in bujapidasana and finding joy and laughter in “oopppsss” moments. I was able to go without having expectations other than being open to having fun. I got exactly what I wanted.
I am most grateful for the support of my teacher and yogi buddies. You don’t learn acceptance when you are at the top of your game. You learn it when you are struggling. Now that I feel like I have an idea of how to let it go, I know that each class can bring me even more peace and comfort than before. Each class is an opportunity for me. Finally after years, I have learned one of the most important lessons of the practice.
