February 7, 2011
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Absolutely Defeated…
(well almost)
I saw the face of adrenal related joint pain today and it was my own. I have only been attending the ashtanga full primary series for about six weeks. I stink at it. No really. That is ok. I can only go up. The other students are amazing. They can easily do things like this:
They inspire me to work hard and to get to these postures.
But today was not that day. Adrenal disease comes with the fabulous side effect of joint pain. Now in my everyday life of just walking around that is controlled with very low does steroids. Probably ok for most people but then again, most people aren’t trying to do any of the Marichyasana series like this:
Let’s just say they are sort of challenging to your knees, hips, etc.. There are four poses in the series and by the time we finished with the second one, my hips, knees, ankles and elbows were in terrible discomfort and I started to cry. Of course I’m also not strong enough yet to jump from downward dog into the next seated posture so I am dragging my ass along where the other students just jump from pose to pose. So after the pain from the marichyasana series, I was unable to even get close to wishing myself into the next two postures nonethless jumping from pose to pose. I felt like I was so bad that I could have been asked to leave the class. I was having a pitty party for myself. I wanted to be invisible. It was a new low of pathetic.
This makes my almost six years of Bikram look like child’s play. All those postures, were almost easy compared to this.
I was told once by an Iyengar instructor that you have to make friends with whomever you brought to yoga today and I wasn’t willing to be friend this loser I saw as myself.
So I stayed in pain and kept trying and continued to feel utterly void of any skill at all.
Somehow, I found a emotional low spot that had a ledge where I could stop the free fall. I decided that my goal was simply to go easy and to do the best in each posture until I got to final three postures of the series. They are three poses all done while in full lotus. When we go to that part of class, I pull my legs into lotus and just let the tears free flow. I couldn’t really relax and control the breathing but I could get into the poses (not fully but my lotus stuck) and for about the next four minutes, I soaked the mat with my tears, but I picked that ass up off the ground in full lotus (not as high as the woman shown below but my ass was off the floor especially since I didn’t want it all wet from where I had cried all over the floor)
I had to very gently release my legs as my ankles, hips and knees were in agony. I wobbled out later but at least I had done something small.
I need to be honest at some time with this blog and open up and explain all the factors that put me here, dealing with a stress related illness. But for tonight, the best I can do is say that I came within a whisper of absolutely defeated. I am humbled (as usual) and at least hope that next class statistically must be better than the next.
