January 16, 2011
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Lazy…
I am a very ambitious person. I am not lazy. In fact there are a few qualities that when I find in a person I instantly find them repulsive. Laziness is one of those qualities.
Now I am not talking about “Ug I am tired and unmotivated” I am talking about perpetual self indulgence that forces a person to defend the position of their laziness.
Now I find two sides to this coin. The side where you feel a strong reaction to any quality and here we are talking about laziness and the side where you try to balance when you see the quality in yourself.
When I found my doctor really upset with my not taking seriously the notion of “taking it easy” I realized that I would never heal my body if I didn’t find ways to relax. Where is the balance between relaxation and becoming a person that is lazy. I bring so much baggage to this definition that I felt off balance for a long time.
See my ex husband turned out to be the most lazy, self indulgent sloth I could fathom. The only time he left the tv was to get more food and to go to work where he flew to Vegas and plopped his ever increasing ass in front of a black jack table to gamble my $ away. He left a grotesque mess in every room he visited and yelled at me when I came home and asked him to clean up after himself, defending his lazyiness by saying that it was my job to not only support the entire household, his condo, car, phone, etc. but also to be the maid. He defended his laziness on three counts: 1. his mom worked and kept the house 2. the three days a week that he worked, he worked hard for those three hours of flight before he sat in front of the blackjack table and 3. he had no money so it was my responsibility to do it all (and he had no money because of the gambling addition but that is another discussion). In the 14 months that we were married, he gained over 22 lbs.
To this day I feel revultion for anything that even hints of anything so lazy.
So how in the world was I ever going to find a balance of sitting down and relaxing? I started to knit. I took classes and really totally stunk at first but now I have become a strong beginner. Still, to this day I feel lazy at times. Today I am absolutely sore, my joints ache and tomorrow I have the full primary ashtanga series. That means I have to be on my super A game just to be able to do a strong 85% of the postures as I can not even get into 15%. I have to rest today. I have to knit, watch the news or my favorite, reruns of the show Damagaes. I will feel lazy even though I am actually producing something.
I don’t think I have accomplished balance yet. The best I can do is look at both sides of the coin and realize that I still have so much baggage regarding laziness and at some point in the future, visualize forgiving myself for both inviting in someone that burdened and mistreated me so badly as well as forgive myself for need to and even occasionally enjoying REST and understanding that because I need it, it doesn’t make me lazy. Tall burden. First step though, I acknowledge it and am willing to work toward it.
