June 24, 2010

• Hunker down…

  

   

  Sometimes you go through “growth” phases in life.  You know, the kind of growth that keeps you up at night staring at the ceiling wishing that you didn’t find yourself in circumstances that encourage “growth”.  Moments when after you have done everything possible to work on a situation, you have to learn to let it go so you can rest at night.

  I am in one of these “growth” phases.

  What fascinates me is that I was in an even bigger “growth” phase this time last year.  I was so unsuccessful that not only do I have an issue from last year back but it contributed to my low adrenal problem that has caused my so many health issues this year.

  So I guess it is time to grow and to do it in a fashion that doesn’t harm my health.

  GULP

  Now at first when this issue that is back confronted me I went straight into total shock mode.  I spent about four days in that place.  Now I have contemplated it, (and I am not alone in this issue, I am in it with my family and we have others as well) and although I am (we are) small, we are mighty.  I believe in us. We are in a fight with people that are not sophisticated enough to work with us on the problem as they don’t understand the true nature of it, however they have unlimited resources. They can continue to throw resources at us instead of the problem. The facts are on our side.  We will defend.  But what we want to do is to help them solve the problem.  We don’t want to be adversarial.  We want to put all of the resources together and make something better out of a bad situation.  We do not however, have control of the choices of the other side. 

  (complete side note here ~ when training in the martial arts I HATED confrontation.  I could handle it well, I knew how to fight to defend myself but you NEVER saw me throw the first anything. You were trained to never use your skills except to defend. To this day I HATE confrontation and although I have a strong personality it makes me anxious and angry when I am in a confrontation, more so than it would anyone else. The contradiction is here, that I intimiadate people because I have a strong personality so they think I would be confrontational.)

  But I still haven’t moved into a place where I am at any sort of peace.  All those years in the martial arts and yoga and I have to blow the dust off my ablity to meditate.  My thoughts are running so fast it is as if I am trapped within a stampede of buffalo.  I started the martial arts when I was eight and I started at a studio that was run by a world champion from Korea so we did focus on meditation and embraced eastern traditions. It was an amazing experience that taught me so much that I have used throughout my life.  It seems however, some of the most important items I have forgotten.  I remember working on exercises where we worked on controlling our heart rate and breathing.  I was easily able to distance myself from any racing thoughts and learned visualization techniques to enhance my practice.  Now when I try to go back to the place where I can use all these items, I find myself “out of spiritual shape”.  I need a tremendous tune up where I refresh all the best things that I already know.

   

  I guess my growth is all about going back to what I know, refining it and bringing it forward into my everyday life.  I don’t have to do it in while smelling carpet (if you want to be a black belt, especially a good one, you are going to get knocked down a lot so you learn how to not get knocked down), I have to do it under conditions where the pressure is much greater.  

  • 7:44 am
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